Weekly Weight: 204.9 lbs
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 34 min 1.6 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Mood: Content in the am and then filled with dread in the pm
I’m sorry I have been slacking. My daughter’s laptop is in the shop and she’s been using mine more frequently but really I could have written. I just got filled with the dread (I explain all about that here: Journal Entry: Jan 31, 2016 (Dread Defeated)). Monday I was OK for most of the day I went to the gym, got in my workout, ate a healthy breakfast but then I felt the dread creeping in around 4pm or 5pm and I just went to bed. Sleep is a good escape from the dread especially when you’ve got sore muscles from working out. See, I could have done something instead to occupy my mind but, I was sore and blah and just chose bed this time.
I did my morning weigh in too and yikes! That is heavier than I have ever been. I guess months of depression and bad eating habits and sitting on my ass all day has done its damage. I’m trying to rectify it now so I’m trying to not let that number get to me but, it is awful high. I’m only 5’3″ after all. Well I wrote a post about Mental Illness and Obesity after that weigh in. I hope it is helpful. I mean I just share my own experience but, I think it’s a very familiar story.
Well since I slept half the day away I suppose there’s not much more to say. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.
I am obese. I have been for a long time now. I think I may be genetically predisposed, none of my relatives are stick figures, but I know my habits are to blame in large part. Being obese makes me hate my body and leads to more negative self talk, depression, and anxiety but, I think being mentally ill is what makes me obese. You see bad habits are harder to break and good habits are harder to form, though I am trying, when you’ve got bipolar (mostly depression), ADD, anxiety, and PTSD. They feed into each other. I’m obese because I’m mentally ill and I’m having trouble overcoming my mental illnesses because I’m obese. It’s a problem I am sure many people have. I thought about doing some research on this matter but, I think it is very easy to come by, the link between weight and mental illness whether you are obese or underweight is quite obvious. I think instead I’ll just talk about my weight and my history.
I was always short, thin, and awkward growing up. When I became a teenager curves started developing, my legs started getting “thick” as one guy put it but, I was still in a size 3 and had flat abs. The guys loved it and that was very important to me at the time. I wasn’t crazy about my legs, I did Legs of Steel workouts to try and slim them down but, not really in earnest. Then I had kids. Now you might think I’m going to say they made me fat but, you’d be wrong, I was right back in my size 3 jeans after my children. I had my children very young, I was 16 and 19 when I gave birth. So whenever I say “I’m fat” to someone and they say, “well you have two kids” I have to tell them they are not to blame at all. I was able to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about my weight. Though I did do some working out to get rid of the baby weight I didn’t work out regularly and I didn’t keep up with it. Read more
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 1.34 miles in 30 min
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Mood: Semi-positive actually
Today was a better day as far as mood goes. I babysat my nephews for a large part of it and they are adorable so maybe that attributed in part to my good mood. I started the morning with the gym but, today I took it a step further. I know that walking is not enough and I need strength training to lose weight so this morning I did a warm up on the elliptical, did some upper body strength training (push ups, planks, and dumbbell stuff), and then walked for 30 minutes.
I plan to make strength training a part of my every day exercise plan. I know I have to work on diet as well and I am with my healthy breakfast but, I do need to work on the rest of the day. I just don’t want to bite off more than I can chew, which I do all too often and then end up depressed because I couldn’t keep up with myself. I have always been an all or nothing gal but, I’m trying to change that and I think I’m having some success. My baby steps approach to habit forming are evidence of that. Adding one at a time I mean. In the past I would have done everything at once and I always failed so hurrah for learning my lesson.
The worst part of mental illness and/or obesity is what GI Joe said at the end of every episode, “knowing is half the battle.” I know so much. I know exactly how to lose weight, I’ve done it before. I know being obese is not healthy and is causing me joint pain and other issues already never mind the more deadly consequences that could come. I know that when I’m depressed sometimes going to work is easier on me than skipping it (I stress too much about missing work and then I miss more work). I know all of these things and many more and yet I still can’t seem to do anything about them. I mean I am doing something about my weight now, finally, but I’m worried it won’t last.
I really hope that my habit forming approach will make it a lifestyle change rather than a fleeting diet and exercise program. I want to do the things I am doing today for the rest of my life but, what happens when I get a job and go back to school? What happens when I get deeply depressed or even sick with a cold or flu? What happens if I skip a couple of days with “good reason”? What happens if I don’t start losing weight? Will I give up on everything? I’ve done it before, I can only hope that I don’t do it again but, there’s no guarantee. I hope that writing these journal entries will help me to stay accountable. I think I’ll start posting my weight weekly starting on Monday Feb 1st. There’s nothing like accountability. Wish me luck on my weight loss journey. Perhaps it will help me with my self esteem, being a healthy weight again. At least I’ll have one less thing to pick on myself for. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.