Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 48 min 2.44 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Blah – dread and angry
I was so blah/dread-filled today I just wanted to sleep all day. I did manage to get my morning habits in, though it was hard to go to the gym. I honestly slept most of the day. We still have no internet, cable, or landline. I felt so blah that I didn’t want to go to therapy or to get my blood drawn for my INR check but I planned to do it anyway. I waited in bed for Comcast to arrive telling my son to please wake me when they show up. They were supposed to be there between 2-4pm. I called Comcast at 5pm because no one had arrived and found out that the person I was chatting to Monday never finished scheduling my appointment so I had no appointment. I was enraged. I mean I don’t get angry all that often but, I hate Comcast already because they charge so darn much.
So they told me they could get somebody out on Thursday and I told them that was unacceptable. I wanted someone tonight. They couldn’t do that but, they did get me a 9-10am appt on Wednesday the 17th after swearing they only had appointments on the 18th. It was an hour and a half long bitch fest full of hold music and being bounced around. It was utterly annoying and caused me to miss my therapy appointment. I was a little relieved because I hadn’t wanted to leave the house at all. I’m not agoraphobic or anything I just don’t want to leave my bed if I can help it. When I told my Sister earlier in the day I felt too depressed to go to therapy she smartly responded then it is probably the best time to go but, the Comcast debacle just took too long.
I ended up frustrated and angry and then just blah again. I went back to bed still fuming about Comcast. I was considering blogging from my phone or using my phone as a hot spot for my laptop but, I just snuggled under the blankets instead. It was almost like I could hear that song which is used as a comedy device on Arrested Development, “Hello darkness my old friend…” I just have felt lost and weak and passionless. I mean I’m still doing my morning routine but, it is getting harder to do and I’m just a lump on a log nearly all the rest of the day. I hope this improves soon and I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.
My daughter (20 years old) and I had a bit of a screaming match this morning, well she screamed at me anyways. My son (18 years old) had just gotten his license and I told her that she really needed her license too so she would be driving herself to school every day. She growled a little about how anxious driving makes her. I then brought up the fact that she is willing to take medicine for ADD (which changed her life) but, is unwilling to take something for anxiety (which is a far more pressing issue for her). Her response was that she was scared of taking too many medications. I explained that I was referring to something like Paxil which will help with her depression but, also has an anti-anxiety component, rather than something like Xanax which is more of a heat of the moment sort of drug. She has an appointment this Friday with her psychiatrist and I recommended she talk to her about it. She got very angry and said, “no, I’ll deal with it on my own.” I asked how. She didn’t respond. I offered to buy her a book on how to overcome anxiety. I started searching Amazon and reading out titles to her and she got even more angry.
I know I was sort of nagging but, I was completely calm the whole time. I’m just really worried about her. I said, “How are you going to deal with it if you won’t do therapy or take medication? I am trying to help you deal with it on your own if that’s what you really want by buying you a book.” She then went off about therapists and how they are all condescending. I asked her why she walked out of her last appointment 10 minutes in and she said that Doreen (who is my therapist too) made her angry because she was being condescending. Now Doreen is about the sweetest, best, therapist out there. She does dish out straightforward talk and maybe she was saying something Taylor didn’t want to hear but, I don’t think she intended to be condescending. Basically anything I said made her more angry to the point of screaming and crying and we get along great, we just cannot talk about mental illness which is the thing we most have in common.
Unfortunately thanks to genealogy she inherited the same issues I inherited from my Dad; ADD and Bipolar (not diagnosed yet because she won’t see her therapist but, we discussed it once and agreed that she seems to have it). She also has crushing anxiety and paranoia. We are so very alike but, she can’t see that yet. Every time I try to help her with her mental illnesses it turns into a screaming match. She thinks I have no idea what I’m talking about. I just don’t know how to talk to her about it. I don’t think I can. I think anything I say is going to be taken as an insult or a slight of some sort even though that is in no way my intent. I’m not trying to force her to face her trauma yet since she is clearly not ready. I’m not trying to force her to take meds if she doesn’t want to. I’m not even going to force her to see a therapist, even though I think it is incredibly helpful. I just want to know what her plan is and I want to help in any way that I can but, she just can’t see that. How do I talk to her? How do I help her? Those aren’t rhetorical questions, I’ll take any suggestions. Have you had similar issues with your children? Did you find a way to talk to them about it without it turning into a fight? I think I might ask my Sister to talk to her because I think she gets upset with me just because I’m Mom. I would love to hear from anyone who has experience with a young adult or teenager who is refusing therapy or medication for an overwhelming condition. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.
Choosing the right therapist is not about finding the best therapist in your area, it is about finding the best fit for you. You may have to meet with multiple therapists multiple times before you find the one that feels right to you.
When I was first diagnosed with depression one of my issues was meal skipping. The first therapist I saw asked me some questions I told her I was having trouble eating regularly. She then asked other questions like, “how do you feel about your body?” I replied, “I wish my thighs were thinner.” This led her to deduce that I was anorexic. I explained that it wasn’t that I wouldn’t eat, I’d eat anything handed to me I was just too lazy to make it for myself. She persisted along the anorexia line of questioning and that was my one and only visit with her.
I went to another therapist who very loudly defended my Mother whenever I said anything against her. It was awkward, we were arguing about whether my Mother should have lifted the punishment my Father gave me. We were arguing over whether I should be making sure my kids took their showers. I think she had her own parenting issues and she must be great for people who don’t have mother issues or aren’t parents but, for me, she didn’t last long.
My current therapist is just right. She has a very straight forward nature and calls me on my crap which I need. She doesn’t allow me to talk negatively about myself. I can reach out to her in between sessions, in fact she called me on a Sunday recently to check in on me. I trust her implicitly. I know she has my best interest at heart and the fact that she has an awful big heart doesn’t hurt either. I’m kind and I take to kind people. She gives me homework, even though I don’t always do it. She even believes in the power of reiki. She was just meant to be my therapist.
I know that we, people with mental illness, sometimes have trouble with awkward situations but, trust me, all therapists know that it’s the fit that matters. If you’re unhappy with your therapist just tell them, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is a good fit.” You deserve the right therapist for you.
Today I woke up, brushed my teeth, and went to the gym, in the right order this time. The mile felt harder today for some reason, probably because I didn’t stretch yesterday. I did today so I hope tomorrow it’ll be a little easier. I then went to my Sister’s house to spend time with her and my two adorable nephews who are crazy but, super adorable so I don’t mind. They are almost 3 and 8 months old. I wrote in yesterday’s journal entry that tomorrow (Wednesday) I was going to try to take the 30 mg slow release Adderall and see if I could stay out of bed all day, I realized today that is quite a jump from 10 mg-30 mg so instead I’ve decided to take 20 mg of the fast acting stuff today I took one in the am and one around 5pm, before I got too lazy to see if it keeps me going if it does I think I’ve solved the problem but, I really should step it up slowly so 1 week with two doses of 10 mg a day and then I’ll increase to the 30 mg. Very boring stuff I am sure. I treated myself today to Ida Maria’s album Fortress ’round My Heart which is my favorite but, I didn’t own for some reason. I also treated myself to a dozen white roses. I hate grocery shopping so I think I deserve a reward for doing so and buying some healthy junk too. Read more