Sorry if that Eminem song is now as stuck in your head as it is in mine. It just fit because I feel as though I’ve fallen away from so many things I loved, including blogging. I fell off the wagon recently, which I was on for so gosh darn long, and I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. I think the reason I fell off the wagon can be found in my All or Nothing post but, I’ll provide a quick summary here: I got too obsessed with my healthy habits. I got so obsessed with losing weight and having a perfect streak that I stopped doing everything when I stopped doing something. It’s a mess and then I went through a period of eating absolute crap, doing nothing and sleeping until 1:30pm. In short I was suffering from major depression exacerbated by my PMDD. I recognized it as soon as it started to get worse and took the extra meds meant to prevent it getting this bad but, they couldn’t touch it. Back to the drawing board for those meds I suppose. Read more
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 50 min 2.69 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes (but, not immediately)
Mood: Blah and then content and focused
So I got up whenever today because my daughter didn’t have school again. I got to the gym and the maintenance guy who I say hi to every morning walked up to me, looked at me and then his watch and asked, “What’d you sleep in today?” I felt pretty good about that. I’m a regular at the gym. Take that scale! I worked extra hard today because of my poor eating yesterday. I usually do 10 minutes on the bike as a warm up I did 15 minutes at a faster pace this morning. I usually do 3 sets of my strength training exercises, today I did 4 sets. I did my 50 minutes on the treadmill a bit faster than usual too.
I got home from the gym and ate my healthy breakfast halfheartedly. Still feeling awful blah. I decided to start catching up on overdue blog posts. I wrote to my therapist, who I had to cancel on this week, about my depression and how bad it has been this last week. I just didn’t really want to do anything and then it hit me after I started spotting. I have PMDD! That is what this past week has been. It’s always the week before my period. I just completely forgot about it. Remember how when I remembered last month that I have PMDD I said I started tracking stuff…well I said that in a sort of I totally intend to sort of way. I never did and it bit me right in the ass this week. As soon as I realized it I took the extra Paxil my psychiatrist prescribed for this very reason and things started getting better either due to the Paxil or due to PMDD wearing off because my period was beginning either/or the blah cloud has lifted.
Tonight I took a hot yoga class called Reiki Yoga (again trying to undo the crazy eating I did yesterday). I didn’t know what I expected from it but, I love reiki and yoga so I thought it would probably be pretty good. It was a lot more yoga than reiki which is fine, I guess I was just expecting more reiki. Not sure how you’d implement that to a full class but, still. All that was reiki about it was the instructor describing the chakras and asking us to visualize them at the beginning and end of class. She also said that she was a practitioner and would be sending positive energy through the whole class. Basically it was a hot yoga class and it was hard for me. I did all of the moves but, a couple that she repeated multiple times I sat out the last go or two.
Do any of you suffer from a condition like PMDD or SAD or another occasional illness? Do you ever forget about it like I did and just think your depression is worsening? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.
Brushed teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 1 19m 30s mile
I think the PMDD is passing because I definitely felt better on the 24th, mentally anyways, physically I was all crampy and blah and walking was extra difficult but, I got a lot done. I finally finished sorting my mail which I started like two weeks ago. I usually don’t write these so late the following day but, I’ve been taking action on the newly sorted mail. I know I’ve talked about mail so much you’re probably sick of hearing about it but, I just went through the first two folders which were packed and I had bills dating back to 2010 that I’d not acted on. They are all medical bills. One of them from 2013 was for $15. It isn’t that I couldn’t afford to pay $15 until now, it’s just that the fear of opening the mail was too great. Probably because I’ve had quite a few trips in ambulances in my time and those bills are always crazy high. Even after insurance pays. I was told by my insurance company today that they never pay the full bill. That’s crazy to me considering I have no copay for an ambulance ride. They expect the ambulance companies to write it off and if they bill the member, if the member calls they will put it in for full payment but, what if the member doesn’t understand their coverage and doles out $1,500 that they really are not responsible for? It’s a messed up practice if you ask me.
Well OK now all I’m talking about is Jan 25th. Sorry this entry is about yesterday. Let me tell you about my yesterday. As I already said walking was harder for some reason, well due to crampiness and such I suppose. I had a healthy breakfast and I was not down in the dumps. I sorted the mail, I played some Skyrim, I watched the Patriots lose and then I watched Game of Thrones with my bf. We are watching it as a couple. If you’ve ever done this you know it can be hard to do especially when you’re the half of the couple that has way more time on their hands. You want to watch without them but, you can’t it’s like sacrilege. The TV show Up All Night, which was short lived but a ton of fun, handled this topic quite well. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 1 18m 3s mile
Mood: Very down
Well I think I figured out why I have be so depressed which is great because knowledge is power and maybe I really was recovering. The short story is I have PMDD which I completely forgot about with all of the chaos of 2015. You can find the log story here: For the Ladies and Sympathetic Men. I found it harder to get to the gym but, I did it. I even ate a healthy breakfast and then I went to bed, for the day. I just couldn’t stand being awake. I felt so incredibly depressed. My boyfriend wanted to go to lunch, I said no, He wanted to watch Game of Thrones, I said no. I just laid in bed thinking and sleeping and feeling miserable.
I did then start to feel better around dinner time. My boyfriend and I got to watch Game of Thrones after all and stayed up too late doing so, that show is hard to stop watching but, he was going snowboarding in the morning so we had to stop but, I was almost chipper as we headed to bed. So I think things are turning around. The PMDD must be passing. Thank goodness. Hopefully tomorrow’s journal post is much more optimistic.
Before my life got flipped turned upside down (sorry it turned into a line from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air theme organically and I just went with it) but, before everything went crazy with my life (see part IV of my PTSD series), I started experiencing PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder). It would cause me to be incredibly irritable and even angry which is very unlike me and slightly chaotic and incredibly depressed. It started impacting work. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t concentrate, it was as if it was nullifying the effects of my antidepressants and Adderall completely. I spoke with my therapist and psychiatrist about it and they concurred that it was PMDD so I started tracking my cycle and my psychiatrist prescribed an extra doses of Adderall and Paxil to take before it was about to start to prevent it from making life very difficult. For some reason I have almost forgotten about it because of everything that happened in 2015.
I think it was still affecting me, I just assumed it was unstable severe depression due to my illnesses and job loss. Whenever I told anyone that I was depressed their response was, “you’ve been through so much of course you’re depressed.” So I just kept thinking that was what was happening. I guess in the flurry of surgeries and homeowner emergencies and such I completely forgot about tracking my cycle and taking the extra doses to keep me level.
I remembered now because I’ve been in the worst mood of my life these past few days and I just noticed my breasts are sore. I think all of this negativity is due to PMDD. This is great news in a way. I was thinking that being awesome and productive wasn’t helping my depression as I’d hoped it would but, now that I know it’s PMDD that may not be the case. I think PMDD just negates any positive impact I try to make. Maybe when this passes I’ll start to feel happy about doing stuff and having a routine. Maybe I will even start to feel proud of myself for brushing my teeth for nearly a month, for walking for a whole week, for eating a healthy breakfast, for taking care of long overdue errands and bills. There is hope for my plan: Pulling Myself out of Depression.
So ladies have you experienced PMDD? Does it suck as much for you as it does for me? I’d love to hear how PMDD or even PMS has impacted you.