All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

I have always had an all or nothing attitude which has held me back in so many ways. I am either kicking ass and taking names or I am slowly becoming a part of the couch. It is very rare that I allow myself to do part of something or to do a mediocre job because I am a perfectionist. If I can’t do it perfectly I won’t do it at all. This leads to me putting so much pressure and importance on a project that I either stress about it all day long (even when I’m not working on the project) or I crash and burn and leave the job half done. I also tend to get analysis paralysis (can’t take credit, my therapist calls it that); I plan things so intricately that I never get to them. I want to make sure I do the task as efficiently and expertly as possible so I think and plan and think and plan and never get around to the doing phase. I’m not sure which one of my many mental illnesses are responsible for this but, I’m leaning toward the ADD, bipolar II, and maybe even the anxiety. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 54 min 2.73 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
Mood: Determined and depressed (such conflicting emotions)

I done got schooled at PT today. First off I shouldn’t be stressing about working my lower abs because you can’t single out your lower abs, it’s one muscle (rectus abdominis). You can’t work part of a muscle. He assured me that the crunches, side crunches and bridges he assigned were enough. I then asked him if the leg workout he gave me (squats with calf raise) was enough because I had been doing a lot more. He said yes and to never do the single leg raise it’s a bad exercise. I told him I would love to work smarter, I don’t want to be working out in ways that aren’t going to help me lose weight. He could see that I was itching to do more so he took me out to the gym.

He taught me 3 different types of workouts that were quick and effective; tabata, 5x5x5, and 50s. Tabata is a simple interval training system. You do 20 seconds of an exercise (today we did squats with calf raise) as hard as you can and then rest for 10 seconds. You repeat that 8 times and then you are done. It works your muscles and raises your heart rate. It’s awesome. 5x5x5 we did with push-ups and it was not easy. You do 5 reps very slowly, 5 very fast, and 5 at your regular pace with no break in between. It was very hard. The last one 50s is also a pretty simple concept. You do 50 reps of an exercise no matter how many sets it takes. So do as many as you can or 15 whichever comes first then repeat until you’ve done 50 reps. I think this would have been harder if I had been using heavier weights but, it was still a good workout. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 48 min 2.45 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Content for a bit then Blah

Well I got to the gym at my normalish time today 5:30am. I usually get up at 5am, take my meds, brush my teeth, get dressed for the gym and go right away so that I can get home by 7:20am or so to take my daughter to school but, her college has had a major power outage and her classes have been cancelled nearly all week so I’ve been letting myself sleep in a bit on the days where she doesn’t have school. I think my acquaintances at the gym might be thinking I’m slacking or I’ve fallen off the wagon but, oh no not at all I just don’t have anything to do after so I can wake up whenever but, not today, today I had Comcast coming, finally, to fix my internet/cable/phone. So I woke up early so I could gym/breakfast/shower before the tech arrived.

He arrived right on time and told me there was nothing he could do, the problem was at the pole. He said a bucket truck would be coming by to fix it within 24-48 hours. He was great so I wasn’t mad at him but, I was mad. I was just aggravated. I’d had no internet since Monday morning it was starting to drive me nuts. Today I decided to watch some DVDs. I watched Step Brothers a highly underrated Will Ferrell film that I love and Die Hard with a Vengeance (which is almost as good as the original). Then I noticed that our modem was lighting up and asked my son to check outside for a bucket truck, sure enough one was out there and we had internet back, hallelujah! I was thinking of all the blogging I had to catch up on but, I was just too depressed to do it.

I don’t know what was wrong with me today but, I ate like a pig. I dunno if I was eating my feelings or what. Maybe I was still bothered by my .7 lb gain on Monday. I ate a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner but, I ate in between and after. I had a hot chocolate with Bailey’s and marshmallows and whipped cream, I had well more than 1 serving of Thin Mints ice cream and even after I ate a healthyish dinner I added on an order of garlic bread with cheese that could have fed 3 or 4. I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was because I was still depressed even if I was awake. I’m not sure what caused me to eat like that. You’d think after gaining weight (yes I know it was less than a lb but, it was still a gain) I would be less likely to eat like that. Unless it was me bucking against the pressure I’m putting on myself to lose a little every single week. That damn perfectionism again. It’s always sabotaging me. Well I mean I’m always self-sabotaging because of it. Whatever the case may be I will hopefully not do that again, at least not too often, I can’t say I’ll never pig out again, sometimes it’s good to let go a little but, let’s try to keep it to a minimum while also trying to lose weight, huh?

Do you suffer from perfectionism? Does it cause you a lot of trouble? Have you ever binged while trying to lose weight? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.