Weight: 196.3 (the year Doctor Who first aired)
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 90 min 4.68 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Still sick, tired, happy with my weigh in results though
I am down 8.6 lbs! I’m very excited considering I’m not driving myself crazy to lose weight. In the past I’ve been obsessive when trying to lose weight, tracking every calorie consumed or burnt like a mad scientist doing very delicate work. I would count blueberries. I’m not doing that now. I’ve just cut out a lot of the bad stuff I used to be addicted to like lattes and donuts and cake pops. I’ve also cut liquid calories nearly entirely (I still get coffee with cream and sugar when we go out to breakfast). I’m not eating take out or delivery, this means I’m eating a lot of frozen meals which I know are high in sodium but, are much better for me than buffalo chicken pizza with bleu cheese dip.
I’m writing this so late though that I don’t remember what I did on Monday. The past couple of weeks I think I’ve been obsessing more than I realize about losing weight. I know this paragraph completely contradicts the previous one but, it’s only because I started writing this Monday night and I’m finishing it Thursday morning. I’ve done some thinking since then and it’s become clear that my main focus is weight loss so much so that I don’t do anything else after I’ve finished my morning routine. I’ve gone from 60 minutes walking every day to 90 minutes. I got a fitbit yesterday and I have burned 2,355 calories today. This means I need to eat like 1,900 more calories today and man I don’t think I can find a way to do that.
I think I need to calm down is basically what this comes down to. I always have this problem. One thing takes over my life at a time. I need to find balance. There are many other areas of my life that need attention. I don’t want to stop exercising or stop eating right I just want to stop obsessing over it. Any suggestions would be super helpful. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.
I hope that my creation of this site, and the twitter handle, and the tumblr, and the facebook page doesn’t indicate that I’m in any way qualified to help anyone with their problems. I’m just as messed up as anyone else. I admit I was feeling hypomanic when I started all of this and thought I could help people but, not because I thought I was cured or a success story. In a way it’s probably best that I’m not fine. If I hadn’t had depression in years I might be talking about it and remembering it but not really feeling all of it.
My problems are nothing compared to others’ I know but, they are debilitating for me and I’m sure others who have it better or worse than I have felt some of these pains before. That really is why I’m doing this to share my thoughts and feelings on dealing with mental illness. I struggle to brush my teeth, haven’t done it in weeks. I feel disgusting admitting that and my mouth feels gross but, I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t open my mail. Luckily most bills are paid online but, there are plenty of hospital bills I am just blatantly ignoring. I don’t understand my mail phobia. I wish I did and could conquer it. I don’t eat right or at all sometimes. Yesterday I woke up at about 7am and at 6pm I realized I’d only had 8 lifesavers and 4 glasses of apple juice all day. I’m a grown woman (supposedly). That is not healthy.
I know that the thing I lack is routine. I have been out of work since July and that is making me so much more depressed. Yay! I get to binge watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Boo! I’m even less motivated than I was when I was working at my last job which I hated with a passion. I’ve now got a clean bill of physical health but, I’m still waiting for the mental health to catch up. I keep thinking I’m going to hit rock bottom and bounce back or that something is just going to snap into place and I’ll be motivated. I keep thinking the med changes will kick in and fix me but, I know there are no quick fixes. It’s just hard to do the work when getting off the couch feels like a monumental task. This is me most days:
If you haven’t watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt yet what are you waiting for?