Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 34 min 1.51 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Mood: Mixed; panicky, filled with dread in the am, content in the afternoon, sad in the evening
If you follow me on Twitter (@RealismBites) you know already that yesterday was a really rough gym day. I was OK warming up and doing my strength training exercises but, when it came time to do my 34 min walk on the treadmill, I just couldn’t stand it. I was bored out of my brain. My music was boring me, MacGyver was boring me, I was just in a bad mood partially I suppose but, I just found it incredibly difficult to finish my walk. I wanted to stop so many times and then stretching afterwards was equally difficult. I can’t explain it, it was advanced boredom. I was itching to stop, like being on that treadmill was making my skin crawl. It was awful and all I kept thinking was if it continues to be this hard how can I stick with this? Can I put myself through this everyday? I had a panic attack worrying about that when I got home and so I took a Clonopin and decided to nap off the dread. Twitter folks were very supportive and I came to the conclusion that I should try listening to podcasts rather than music to keep me entertained throughout my walk.
I woke up a little late from my nap because I didn’t actually set my alarm but, I felt better and I made it to PT only a little late. I had another good workout with my physical therapist and then I went to get another workout in, babysitting my 2 3/4 year old and 8 month old nephew. We went for a walk in their twin stroller. I was pooped. The little guy passed out almost immediately but, the 2 year old and I kept on the look out for planes. We kept hearing them but, couldn’t find them in the sky. Luckily a car went by or the walk would have been deemed the dullest ever. I couldn’t walk too far so we went back to the house, I successfully transferred my sleeping nephew to the crib and then did a bunch of puzzles with the 2 year old. It was a good time. They really are the cutest things ever.
I hung out with my daughter for bit before therapy. My therapist is really very concerned about the dread. She asked if I felt suicidal and I told her honestly I don’t. I try to escape it with sleep or busywork but, no suicidal thoughts, thankfully. We discussed how unready I am to return to work. She told me about this book she has that is filled with Mothers complaining that they did a terrible job even though they have kids who are doing OK. She tries to tell me I’m a good mother because my kids are great but, I think I’m a terrible mother because I’ve let my disorders take over and I think my kids think they are bothering me whenever they ask for something. We did talk a lot about my mothering instincts which are good. We talked about early stuff I did with them, making them do chores even as toddlers, little chores like put away your toys before bed and make your bed when you wake up which just meant pull your comforter over the bed, not like hospital corners or anything. We talked about how I let me kids problem solve for themselves until they asked me for help whereas my Mother would go over and help them while they were trying to work something out. We talked about how they had a list of things to do when they were first home alone (call Mom, do homework, do chores). All of these positives, maybe they did help make them the good kids they are. They are 18 and 20 years old and they are both in college or bound for college. Neither has ever been arrested. Neither has gotten pregnant or gotten someone else pregnant in the case of my son. Neither has wound up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. They really are good kids but, I don’t feel like I can take credit for it because I was depressed for so many of the important years. The difficult early teenage years. I was there but, I wasn’t, ya know? I beat myself up a lot about my parenting and my therapist is always trying to convince me that I did a good job. I wish I could believe it.
Well that’s enough of that. Do you worry that your mental illness(es) has hurt your ability to be a good Mother/Father? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.