Journal Entry: Feb 11, 2016 (Yoga Training Begun)

Journal Entry: Feb 11, 2016 (Yoga Training Begun)

Journal Entry: Feb 11, 2016 (Yoga Training Begun)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 42 min 2.16 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes!
Mood: Content for most of the day but, around 6pm-8pm the dread started creeping in

Today was a good productive day I’ve been going a very long time with my healthy habits and I have to say I’m proud of myself. I haven’t missed a day on any of them. I’m going to reward myself with a mani/pedi. Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually count the days I’ve been going. Oh, before we get to the meat of today’s post I need to mention that I did an interview with like-mindedmag.com which can be found here: like-mindedmag.com/018_retta/. I have gotten a lot of good feedback on it and I really appreciated the chance to open up in a venue other than this blog. Please give it a read if you have a chance and let me know what you think. Now more to the point, today I want to talk about my first yoga training session…I’m not sure of its official name but, that’s what I’ve decided to call it.

I met with my trainer/coach Kara and she really just wanted to get to know me and you know I’m an open book so I started telling her about my recent health problems which led to talk of the original accident that caused them. She then asked about my upbringing and such, it was a getting to know you session and I spilled all of my beans, even beans I haven’t spilled here yet. I told her how I can’t meditate and how I’d like to be able to tap into my repressed emotions surrounding trauma which led to talking about my multiple rapes. We didn’t actually get to any yoga we just talked the whole time and then she gave me homework which I love.

My homework is to sit and breathe for a minute and then free write for 5 minutes every day. I love free writing. I discovered it when reading The Artist’s Way which is an interesting book, tad religious but, I just ignored that part. I used to free write every morning, 3 pages worth. It was a morning brain dump and I think it was very helpful. I did my free writing yesterday and found that 5 minutes is a very small amount of time. I think I’m going to increase it to 10 minutes if it’s OK with Kara. I think a lot, very quickly mostly thanks to my ADD so it’s nice to put it down on paper even if I never look at it again just to get my thoughts out there. I mean that is pretty much what I do here. Other than a quick spell check I rarely edit any of my posts, you’re getting 100% raw, unedited thoughts just typed out very quickly. I hope they are helpful or entertaining. So I’m looking forward to my yoga training. My first homework assignment is exciting and I can’t wait to get another one. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Jan 26, 2016 (My Happy Place)

Journal Entry: Jan 26, 2016 (My Happy Place)

Journal Entry Jan 26, 2016

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 1 18m 45s mile
Mood: Almost happy but, still have lingering doubts and self esteem issues nagging at me

Great productive day, got my kids signed up for their road tests, got myself signed up for PT, went to therapy and babysat my adorable nephew and now I am finally home and I’m eating Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food for dinner :/ What’s the point of starting my day with a healthy breakfast if I eat like crap the rest of the day? I suppose at least one healthy meal is better than no healthy meals. I’m starting small and that is OK. I’m saying that to myself more than you. Really though what’s the use in being grown up if you can’t eat ice cream for dinner once in awhile?

I did a bit of meditation in therapy today and I got a little tense but, I didn’t have a panic attack. I didn’t have any sort of calming feeling either though. My therapist said there’s nothing wrong with that just not doing anything for a bit would be good for me and I think she’s right. I’m never doing nothing. I am always doing one – three things. I am on my phone constantly, I am watching TV, playing a video game…mostly those three things really. I just can’t sit still. I can’t let my brain rest. I’m always thinking. We (my therapist and I) think that it’s a defense mechanism, if my mind is busy and cluttered I can’t think about all of the trauma I’ve been through. She asked me a long time ago to think of a happy place and I had so much trouble with it, I’ve said before I often feel like I barely know myself. Well today I came up with one I think will work for me. I’ve always been interested in archaeology and ruins and there are I believe Aztec ruins in Mexico that I want to see one day, I’m going to look up some pics now that will help me visualize it. Who knows maybe it’ll work and it’s a positive thing, it’s a goal, something to work toward. Using that for meditation may help to make it a reality someday if my bipolar depressive episodes ever allow me to keep enough vacation time to use for a vacation.

Oh well I’m off to look longingly at pictures of Mexico. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Anxious Meditation

Anxious Meditation

Anxious Meditation

Inhale                                 Exhale

Focus only on your breath.

Inhale                                Exhale

Clear your mind.

Inhale                                Exhale

But, if my mind is empty what will drown out those thoughts?

Inhale                       Exhale

The thoughts that bring me right back to the worst moments of my life.

Inhale              Exhale

The many men I’ve known, not all by choice,

Inhale       Exhale

And how I asked for help that night.

Inhale   Exhale

Words uttered in a police station by someone I love,

Inhale
Exhale

It hurts to remember.

Inhale
Exhale

So much for relaxation.

Inhale
Exhale

Now to learn to breathe again.