Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 50 min 2.6 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Tired and blah
Today I had to get to the gym early because I had a 9:30am appointment with my psychiatrist. It was legs and abs day and the workout was really hard. I think it was due to the yoga class I did the night before, either way I did almost everything I normally do strength training and just walked a little more slowly on the treadmill. I’m going for longer times not speed (I’m reminding myself here). My appointment went pretty much as expected. I told her the Latuda even with the increased dose was not helping and that I’d like to give Lamictal a shot because it has helped in the past. She prescribed it and off I went. I felt really good about this decision. I remember Lamictal being very good for me, in fact I was doing so well on it I stopped taking it in a stupid moment where I thought “I’m fixed!” I know now I’ll never be fixed so I don’t think that is a concern anymore.
I went to the store because we were running low on certain things like toothpaste and lotion. It’s funny how much you go through when you use it everyday. A tube of toothpaste used to last me forever. I then picked up my prescriptions. I was exhausted so I took a nap. I think I was exhausted because I just started my cycle but, who knows it could be depression. That’s the thing about having so many disorders and being a woman. It’s hard to suss out what’s causing what symptom. I was excited about tonight though because I was going to hang out with my nephews and then watch Scandal with my Sister when they went to bed. I had bought my nephew a Star Wars T-shirt and my Sister said, “I’m going to wash it first because I always do.” and he turned to me and said, “You bought me a dirty shirt?” He’s not even three yet. He’s so funny.
I was having a great time but, getting exhausted. I had to leave before my nephew even went to bed. I didn’t even get to see the little one because he was as tired as I was and slept the whole time I was there. I fell asleep by 7:30pm. I was so tired. I’m still tired. I need to wake up. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.
I’ve been depressed since 1998 in varying degrees of severity and yet I’ve never felt anything so severe as what I’ve been calling “the dread”. It is this overwhelming, pervasive, darkness that washes over me all of a sudden. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to do anything at all. Nothing is appealing to me. It is just unbearable. It makes my skin crawl. I feel like I need to go to sleep immediately to escape it. I can imagine this is what people who are suicidal might feel like. I am luckily not suicidal, I don’t know why but, I just never have been but, if this feeling keeps coming maybe it will wear me down.
Like I said I have been depressed for nearly two decades but, my symptoms have always been mostly physical; can’t shower, can’t eat, can’t get out of bed, that sort of thing. I mean of course I also beat myself up constantly and had plenty of panic attacks about how much I suck at life but, I’ve never felt like this. I’ve been sad. This isn’t sadness. I’ve been frustrated and angry and hopeless and this is not any of those things either. This didn’t start until about 3 weeks ago but, it has been haunting me ever since.
Could it be medicine related? I started a new medicine a month or so ago, Latuda. Can Latuda make depression worse? My psychiatrist said no and thinks it’s just a coincidence. She said that I have a lot to be depressed about; losing my job and all of my medical maladies that are still slowing me down and making me more easily fatigued for instance. Maybe that is all it is. Maybe 2015 sucked so badly that it scarred me in some way (to learn how badly 2015 sucked click here). Maybe I have cabin fever. Maybe not having a job for so long is taking its toll. I wish I could just go back to work but, my therapist doesn’t think I’m ready for that and neither do I. I’m too depressed to be selling myself cheerfully in interviews. If it was just a matter of going back to my old job that would be so easy. I could go back part time at first, or work from home for a bit. Losing my job is what sent me over the edge for sure.
Even then though, the dread didn’t start until months after I was let go so I don’t think it is the sole reason or key to unlocking what is really causing it. Maybe it is all of my unprocessed trauma sitting on my chest like an invisible but, still just as heavy elephant. Maybe the dread keeps coming because my mind/body can no longer handle repressing it all. I guess I don’t know why it’s here or when it will stop but, I know I can’t live like this forever. I have to defeat it once and for all somehow. I know my story doesn’t end with me being perpetually unemployed and uneducated. I know that there is a happy ending for me. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish I could get the express train out of this damn depressing tunnel is all.
Can you relate to what I’m feeling? Has a medicine meant to cure your depression made it worse for you? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.
My daughter (20 years old) and I had a bit of a screaming match this morning, well she screamed at me anyways. My son (18 years old) had just gotten his license and I told her that she really needed her license too so she would be driving herself to school every day. She growled a little about how anxious driving makes her. I then brought up the fact that she is willing to take medicine for ADD (which changed her life) but, is unwilling to take something for anxiety (which is a far more pressing issue for her). Her response was that she was scared of taking too many medications. I explained that I was referring to something like Paxil which will help with her depression but, also has an anti-anxiety component, rather than something like Xanax which is more of a heat of the moment sort of drug. She has an appointment this Friday with her psychiatrist and I recommended she talk to her about it. She got very angry and said, “no, I’ll deal with it on my own.” I asked how. She didn’t respond. I offered to buy her a book on how to overcome anxiety. I started searching Amazon and reading out titles to her and she got even more angry.
I know I was sort of nagging but, I was completely calm the whole time. I’m just really worried about her. I said, “How are you going to deal with it if you won’t do therapy or take medication? I am trying to help you deal with it on your own if that’s what you really want by buying you a book.” She then went off about therapists and how they are all condescending. I asked her why she walked out of her last appointment 10 minutes in and she said that Doreen (who is my therapist too) made her angry because she was being condescending. Now Doreen is about the sweetest, best, therapist out there. She does dish out straightforward talk and maybe she was saying something Taylor didn’t want to hear but, I don’t think she intended to be condescending. Basically anything I said made her more angry to the point of screaming and crying and we get along great, we just cannot talk about mental illness which is the thing we most have in common.
Unfortunately thanks to genealogy she inherited the same issues I inherited from my Dad; ADD and Bipolar (not diagnosed yet because she won’t see her therapist but, we discussed it once and agreed that she seems to have it). She also has crushing anxiety and paranoia. We are so very alike but, she can’t see that yet. Every time I try to help her with her mental illnesses it turns into a screaming match. She thinks I have no idea what I’m talking about. I just don’t know how to talk to her about it. I don’t think I can. I think anything I say is going to be taken as an insult or a slight of some sort even though that is in no way my intent. I’m not trying to force her to face her trauma yet since she is clearly not ready. I’m not trying to force her to take meds if she doesn’t want to. I’m not even going to force her to see a therapist, even though I think it is incredibly helpful. I just want to know what her plan is and I want to help in any way that I can but, she just can’t see that. How do I talk to her? How do I help her? Those aren’t rhetorical questions, I’ll take any suggestions. Have you had similar issues with your children? Did you find a way to talk to them about it without it turning into a fight? I think I might ask my Sister to talk to her because I think she gets upset with me just because I’m Mom. I would love to hear from anyone who has experience with a young adult or teenager who is refusing therapy or medication for an overwhelming condition. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.