Journal Entry: Jan 21, 2016 (Habits aren’t Helping)

Journal Entry: Jan 21, 2016 (Habits aren’t Helping)

Journal Entry Jan 21, 2016

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 1 18m 35s mile
Mood: OK in the am, down in the pm

I had a great day. I got so much done, long overdue stuff, and stuff for me like a wonderful reiki appointment. It was really a productive day but, it didn’t make me happy. Even though I’m taking better care of myself and being productive (which I usually don’t do when depressed) I am still depressed. I honestly thought getting productive, getting a routine in place would jump start my recovery. That’s why I wrote this post: Pulling Myself out of Depression. I almost feel like I should pull it off the site because I’m clearly not able to pull myself out of this.

I’m not sure if you are familiar with IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy but my reiki practitioner mentioned it yesterday and I’ve had it before with a prior therapist. The basic gist of IFS is that it treats your emotions/different attitudes as parts of you and they are all trying to help. You personify them. It sounds hokey but, it can be very helpful. Hearing about it again made me think of why this might not be working. Maybe there is a part of me that is lazy that has been getting a whole lot of use these past six months and is pissed that suddenly we have to do stuff. I think the bigger problem is that there is also an over achiever part of me that is so excited by all of this work and is pissed that I’m not doing more. So I feel like these two parts are both yelling contradicting statements at me all day like this.

Lazy: Why do we have to get up early? Do we really have to go to the gym? Can’t we just eat ice cream for breakfast?
Over achiever: You can stay out of bed all day now so why are we only doing stuff in the morning? Can’t you skip Skyrim and sort that mail instead? You could be getting so much more done!

I wrote my therapist today to see if she might be willing to try IFS therapy with me. Who knows maybe it will help. I just wish I could be happy and proud of myself for getting so much done while being in such a crummy mood. My therapist and my prior therapist have used the term  “fake it till you make it” and that is I guess what I’m doing here. I’m going through the motions I’m getting stuff done and hopefully soon it’ll even make me happy.