What’s at the End of my Labyrinth?

What’s at the End of my Labyrinth?

What's at the End of my Labyrinth?

This is going to be one of those thinking out loud kind of posts. I find writing helps me figure things out. As you may have read in the last two paragraphs of my Guess Who’s Back post, I feel like Sarah in the junk heap obstacle in Labyrinth. Sarah eventually remembers why she needs to get to the castle, to save her brother Toby, but I can’t remember why I need to get to the castle (if I ever knew in the first place) so I just linger with my distractions. I need to determine what I’m working toward. I need to get to the castle, grab what I came for, and tell my depression, “you have no power over me.” It sounds great but, in order to get to that castle, I need a good reason and I can’t think of one. Read more

Guess Who’s Back, Back Again

Guess Who’s Back, Back Again

Guess Who's Back, Back Again.

Sorry if that Eminem song is now as stuck in your head as it is in mine. It just fit because I feel as though I’ve fallen away from so many things I loved, including blogging. I fell off the wagon recently, which I was on for so gosh darn long, and I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. I think the reason I fell off the wagon can be found in my All or Nothing post but, I’ll provide a quick summary here: I got too obsessed with my healthy habits. I got so obsessed with losing weight and having a perfect streak that I stopped doing everything when I stopped doing something. It’s a mess and then I went through a period of eating absolute crap, doing nothing and sleeping until 1:30pm. In short I was suffering from major depression exacerbated by my PMDD. I recognized it as soon as it started to get worse and took the extra meds meant to prevent it getting this bad but, they couldn’t touch it. Back to the drawing board for those meds I suppose. Read more

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

I have always had an all or nothing attitude which has held me back in so many ways. I am either kicking ass and taking names or I am slowly becoming a part of the couch. It is very rare that I allow myself to do part of something or to do a mediocre job because I am a perfectionist. If I can’t do it perfectly I won’t do it at all. This leads to me putting so much pressure and importance on a project that I either stress about it all day long (even when I’m not working on the project) or I crash and burn and leave the job half done. I also tend to get analysis paralysis (can’t take credit, my therapist calls it that); I plan things so intricately that I never get to them. I want to make sure I do the task as efficiently and expertly as possible so I think and plan and think and plan and never get around to the doing phase. I’m not sure which one of my many mental illnesses are responsible for this but, I’m leaning toward the ADD, bipolar II, and maybe even the anxiety. Read more

Journal Entry: Mar 7, 2016 (Adventures in Babysitting)

Journal Entry: Mar 7, 2016 (Adventures in Babysitting)

Journal Entry: Mar 7, 2016 (Adventures of Babysitting)

Weight: 194.4 lbs (can’t believe I lost 2 lbs after my cheat weekend)
Brushed Teeth: No, crap! Changing my routine is messing with me.
Walked: Yes, 60 min 3.16 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Not really but, no lattes or donuts, just a small regular coffee and a veggie egg and cheese wrap
Breathing Exercise/Free Writing: Yes
Mood: Stressed, blah, productive

So I had a really bad weekend. I mean I was really bad. I took a gym break Fri, Sat, & Sun due to a huge blister which I got because I have been pushing myself too hard at the gym. I’ve been walking 90 minutes a day and my body found a way to tell me to calm down. So I didn’t got to the gym for 3 days but, that’s not all, I also ate terribly. I guess I just got burnt out completely and then cracked. I’m back on the wagon as of today though. I am going to take it easier on myself. For instance, today I was busy and running around and I allowed myself to go to Dunkin Donuts. I got myself a small regular coffee and a veggie egg white wrap. Last week there is no way I would have done that because it would have meant my streak would have ended even though my swearing off Dunks and Starbucks was about the calorie intake from what I was getting (lattes and donuts and pastries). Today I was able to say, “I don’t have time to eat at home so I’m going to Dunks but, not for a latte or donuts and that’s OK, it is not going to kill me.”

The reason I didn’t have time is because I was babysitting my nephews today. It was eventful. I was there for about a half hour when my 10 month old nephew hurt himself. He was playing with this pillow on the floor, laying on it and crawling over it and he was having a grand ol’ time. He had climbed over it about 3 times and the 3rd time he lost his balance and landed face first on the floor. I mean his face was only like 8 inches off the floor at the time but, the impact was enough that when I picked him up he had blood coming from his mouth. I was so worried about his teeth but, luckily he just cut his lip. He was so upset, understandably but, I cleaned him up and gave him a nice cold bottle to help with the pain. He calmed down and cheered up quickly. A kid getting hurt on your watch is like the babysitter’s worst nightmare. I felt awful.

I think because I spent time doting on the little one after the injury my nearly 3 year old nephew got a little jealous and he decided he would act out to get my attention. (Just to be clear my Sister and Sister-in-law are fabulous mothers so if you have never had 2 or 3 year old please keep in mind that this is all perfectly normal behavior for a kid his age.) He began taking toys from his brother, he was not being gentle with his brother, and then the last straw I was giving an ice pack to the baby and he ripped it out of my hands and would not give it back. I put him in time out and he just wouldn’t stay. He was like a little wild man he jumped out of the chair ran across the table and the couch and all around the house. He kept chewing on the ice pack and I tried to take it away at which point I realized he’d punctured it. It was made for babies and is made of non toxic materials but, I don’t think the stuff inside is great for him either. He was just a crazy boy.

When my Sister got home from work she made him apologize. He then later that night said to her on his own, “I’ll be a good boy for Auntie tomorrow.” Aww. I just love him so much. I mean yeah yesterday was crazy but, he’s still adorable. I had to go to the grocery store on my way home from my Sister’s house and then I went home and starting typing this but, got distracted by the Game of Thrones theme song. My daughter and her friend were watching and I just couldn’t resist joining them. I had to wear my best poker face since I’d already seen the episodes we watched and they hadn’t. So I got to bed late again which didn’t bode well for Tuesday morning and Tuesday is a busy day. Wish me luck! I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 29, 2016 (Another Loss…of lbs)

Journal Entry: Feb 29, 2016 (Another Loss…of lbs)

Journal Entry: Feb 29, 2016 (Another Loss...of lbs)

Weight: 196.3 (the year Doctor Who first aired)
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 90 min 4.68 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Still sick, tired, happy with my weigh in results though

I am down 8.6 lbs! I’m very excited considering I’m not driving myself crazy to lose weight. In the past I’ve been obsessive when trying to lose weight, tracking every calorie consumed or burnt like a mad scientist doing very delicate work. I would count blueberries. I’m not doing that now. I’ve just cut out a lot of the bad stuff I used to be addicted to like lattes and donuts and cake pops. I’ve also cut liquid calories nearly entirely (I still get coffee with cream and sugar when we go out to breakfast). I’m not eating take out or delivery, this means I’m eating a lot of frozen meals which I know are high in sodium but, are much better for me than buffalo chicken pizza with bleu cheese dip.

I’m writing this so late though that I don’t remember what I did on Monday. The past couple of weeks I think I’ve been obsessing more than I realize about losing weight. I know this paragraph completely contradicts the previous one but, it’s only because I started writing this Monday night and I’m finishing it Thursday morning. I’ve done some thinking since then and it’s become clear that my main focus is weight loss so much so that I don’t do anything else after I’ve finished my morning routine. I’ve gone from 60 minutes walking every day to 90 minutes. I got a fitbit yesterday and I have burned 2,355 calories today. This means I need to eat like 1,900 more calories today and man I don’t think I can find a way to do that.

I think I need to calm down is basically what this comes down to. I always have this problem. One thing takes over my life at a time.  I need to find balance. There are many other areas of my life that need attention. I don’t want to stop exercising or stop eating right I just want to stop obsessing over it. Any suggestions would be super helpful. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 25-28 2016 (Sick But Still Going)

Journal Entry: Feb 25-28 2016 (Sick But Still Going)

Journal Entry: Feb 25-28 2016 (Sick But Still Going)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 90 min 4.63 miles (Feb 28)
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Sick, exhausted, depressed, still motivated though

I have been slacking on blogging as I’ve lamented in my last three blogs but, this whole period has just been one long sick mess so I’m just combining days to catch us all up and then I’ll get back on the ball. The stats above apply for all days the 25th through the 28th with the exception of the walking. Here’s the thing, I had and still have, a killer head cold but, I am not slacking on my exercise, diet, hygiene, housekeeping routines at all. I may be waiting to go to the gym until the Mucinex kicks in but I’m still going to the gym and working as hard as I would any day. It’s weird because I still have the depressed mood, fatigue, negativity and I can’t follow through on anything but, this isn’t like my depression or so I thought. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 54 min 2.73 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
Mood: Determined and depressed (such conflicting emotions)

I done got schooled at PT today. First off I shouldn’t be stressing about working my lower abs because you can’t single out your lower abs, it’s one muscle (rectus abdominis). You can’t work part of a muscle. He assured me that the crunches, side crunches and bridges he assigned were enough. I then asked him if the leg workout he gave me (squats with calf raise) was enough because I had been doing a lot more. He said yes and to never do the single leg raise it’s a bad exercise. I told him I would love to work smarter, I don’t want to be working out in ways that aren’t going to help me lose weight. He could see that I was itching to do more so he took me out to the gym.

He taught me 3 different types of workouts that were quick and effective; tabata, 5x5x5, and 50s. Tabata is a simple interval training system. You do 20 seconds of an exercise (today we did squats with calf raise) as hard as you can and then rest for 10 seconds. You repeat that 8 times and then you are done. It works your muscles and raises your heart rate. It’s awesome. 5x5x5 we did with push-ups and it was not easy. You do 5 reps very slowly, 5 very fast, and 5 at your regular pace with no break in between. It was very hard. The last one 50s is also a pretty simple concept. You do 50 reps of an exercise no matter how many sets it takes. So do as many as you can or 15 whichever comes first then repeat until you’ve done 50 reps. I think this would have been harder if I had been using heavier weights but, it was still a good workout. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 22, 2016 (Purging my Bathroom)

Journal Entry: Feb 22, 2016 (Purging my Bathroom)

Journal Entry: Feb 22, 2016 (Purging my Bathroom)

Weight: 201.2 (that’s 3.7 down from my original weight!)
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 54 min 2.77 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
Mood: Determined and Exhausted

Well I was worried about nothing. I did lose weight this week. I haven’t lost much overall yet but, slow and steady wins the race and reduces the risk of saggy excess skin. Besides, I didn’t start weighing in until I was well into my journey which was silly of me. I did great at the gym today and then I went insane on the bathroom. It’s the Monday chore on my Clean Routine. First of all, though I own my own home and love it I have far less space than I used to in the bathroom. When we moved in I just shoved all of my toiletries from my apartment into my bathroom closet any which way and every shelf was overflowing. I have lived here since Nov 2014 and I just today fixed this with a big purge.

It killed me to throw away lotions that I know cost me like $6 but, if I never used them, I just wasn’t going to. I also purged all sorts of expired medicine and vitamins. It was just crazy how much junk we had that we never used. I kept thinking, “I forgot about this, now that I know it’s here I’ll use it.” But I was strong and I threw away so much stuff. It feels great to be able to find things in the bathroom closet and medicine cabinets now. After I finished my purge I started cleaning and this is the weird thing about me, I don’t clean often but, when I do I am a maniac. I bust out toothpicks and q-tips to reach the tiniest, most unnoticeable to anyone but me, crevasses filled with gunk. I usually like to use just baking soda and vinegar but, it had been WAY too long since my last bathroom cleaning so I had to use to full powered bleacherriffic stuff and I started getting headaches from the fumes.

In the end the bathroom was spic and span and I felt accomplished…well sort of. I kept thinking how I wasn’t able to reach certain areas of the tub to give them a good scrubbing and how I wish I could’ve gotten the mildew off the shade. Nothing is ever good enough for me. I need to stop being such a perfectionist. I am working on it but, for now I’ll continue to negate my accomplishments with little nit picky comments in my brain. How about you? Am I the only slob who cleans perfectly? I’d love to hear from you if you are like me. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 52 min 2.64 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Stressed, happy for a bit, exhausted, anxious

I know I said in my recent journal entry, “Screw the Scale” but, I’m stressing tomorrow’s weigh in. I’m just working so hard and doing so many things right it’s just going to discourage me to see another gain tomorrow and I’m especially worried there will be one because it is that time of the month. I know it’s a marathon not a sprint and all and I really do know that it takes time and I just need to keep doing what I’m doing but, I’m just worried about the psychological hit of another week with a gain. I did an extra 15 minutes on the bike today and took a nice walk with my Sister and nephew this afternoon because it was beautiful out and I got ice cream for my whole family but, none for myself. All because of tomorrow’s weigh in. I’m just obsessing. I haven’t skipped any meals or anything dangerous it’s just taken over my mind.

But anywho, that sucks and who knows maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to post a loss. Or maybe I’ll be able to post a gain and not freak out about it. Onto cheerier subjects, today was pretty good other than being exhausted for most of it. I got some good nephew time in. Got to take a nice 20 minute or so walk outside in the fresh air. Got some new workout clothes and cleaning supplies so that I can start cleaning tomorrow. Of course now I’m stressing because I still haven’t finished going through my mail and I haven’t done my taxes…is this cleaning kick just a new project to procrastinate on those other adult matters I need to take care of? Oh and I haven’t done my free writing in days. Have to get back on that, tomorrow. For now I am exhausted and I’m going to get some sleep. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

 

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 52 min 2.68 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Frustrated and exhausted but a bit motivated

I went to the gym this morning and found my workout really hard again and this time it was arms and abs. Maybe it wasn’t the yoga that caused my struggle with my strength training Friday, maybe it’s just the beginning of my cycle sucking away all of my energy. While on the treadmill, I started talking to a gym buddy about diet. He said, “You’re doing great here but, diet is like 80% of it. You should talk to the nutrition guy here, he changed my life.” I told him that I know and I’m working on the diet but, not wholeheartedly yet. I’ve cut liquid calories, I am eating 3 mostly healthy meals a day, I avoid junk food almost entirely but, I haven’t started really working on my diet yet. It’s hard because I am depressed and so my house is naturally a mess. I know I live with three other people but, I think they get annoyed doing stuff when I don’t so they just kind of gave up on cleaning too.

I decided today on that treadmill that if I’m going to start eating right I need to get my kitchen in order and keep it that way. You can’t cook food if your pans and dishes are always dirty so I decided I was going to come up with a plan for keeping the house clean. Rules for everyone in the house to follow regarding picking up after themselves to ensure the kitchen doesn’t become a backlog of dishes that should have been put in the dishwasher. I wrote up a neat little list of things that need to be done by all of us in the morning, throughout the day and before bed. It is going to be hard to stick to at first I fear but if we all stay on each other I think we can do it. Then once the kitchen is consistently clean I can start cooking for myself rather than eating frozen food all the time.

I discussed it with the family they were mostly on board. We’ll see how it goes. Do you have trouble keeping your house clean when depressed? Do you find family members are helpful or get annoyed by doing all the work and just give up? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.