What’s at the End of my Labyrinth?

What’s at the End of my Labyrinth?

What's at the End of my Labyrinth?

This is going to be one of those thinking out loud kind of posts. I find writing helps me figure things out. As you may have read in the last two paragraphs of my Guess Who’s Back post, I feel like Sarah in the junk heap obstacle in Labyrinth. Sarah eventually remembers why she needs to get to the castle, to save her brother Toby, but I can’t remember why I need to get to the castle (if I ever knew in the first place) so I just linger with my distractions. I need to determine what I’m working toward. I need to get to the castle, grab what I came for, and tell my depression, “you have no power over me.” It sounds great but, in order to get to that castle, I need a good reason and I can’t think of one. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 19, 2016 (New Medicine)

Journal Entry: Feb 19, 2016 (New Medicine)

Journal Entry: Feb 19, 2016 (New Medicine)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 50 min 2.6 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Tired and blah

Today I had to get to the gym early because I had a 9:30am appointment with my psychiatrist. It was legs and abs day and the workout was really hard. I think it was due to the yoga class I did the night before, either way I did almost everything I normally do strength training and just walked a little more slowly on the treadmill. I’m going for longer times not speed (I’m reminding myself here). My appointment went pretty much as expected. I told her the Latuda even with the increased dose was not helping and that I’d like to give Lamictal a shot because it has helped in the past. She prescribed it and off I went. I felt really good about this decision. I remember Lamictal being very good for me, in fact I was doing so well on it I stopped taking it in a stupid moment where I thought “I’m fixed!” I know now I’ll never be fixed so I don’t think that is a concern anymore.

I went to the store because we were running low on certain things like toothpaste and lotion. It’s funny how much you go through when you use it everyday. A tube of toothpaste used to last me forever. I then picked up my prescriptions. I was exhausted so I took a nap. I think I was exhausted because I just started my cycle but, who knows it could be depression. That’s the thing about having so many disorders and being a woman. It’s hard to suss out what’s causing what symptom. I was excited about tonight though because I was going to hang out with my nephews and then watch Scandal with my Sister when they went to bed. I had bought my nephew a Star Wars T-shirt and my Sister said, “I’m going to wash it first because I always do.” and he turned to me and said, “You bought me a dirty shirt?” He’s not even three yet. He’s so funny.

I was having a great time but, getting exhausted. I had to leave before my nephew even went to bed. I didn’t even get to see the little one because he was as tired as I was and slept the whole time I was there. I fell asleep by 7:30pm. I was so tired. I’m still tired. I need to wake up. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 7, 2016 (Still Good)

Journal Entry: Feb 7, 2016 (Still Good)

Journal Entry: Feb 7, 2016 (Still Good)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 40 min 2.03 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Not really, went out for breakfast
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Excited and proud and then blah and dreadful

So I guess it’s only day two but, still I’ve not had anything from Dunks or Starbucks for two days. That is like a record for me. I did have coffee with cream and sugar for breakfast but, no other liquid calories throughout the day, just water, green tea, and coconut seltzer. I ate pretty well too other than breakfast where I got apple pie french toast. It was a good day. We had to go out to breakfast because well we just love breakfast and because we had to celebrate, my son got his license! I know this was spoiled in yesterday’s posts about Mothers, Daughters, and Mental Illness but, still it bears repeating.

I had my boyfriend take him to his road test because I was afraid my nervous energy might rub off on him. Plus I didn’t want to interrupt my routine. We needed to leave at the same time as the gym opened. I needed to get my workout in after brushing my teeth. I did get a good upper body workout in and I increased my walk to 40 minutes. I also bought some stuff including a book for my daughter and myself about overcoming anxiety. I hope she’ll read it. It was a rough morning because of that fight which is detailed in this post: Mothers, Daughters, and Mental Illness. I was so excited for my son and so worried about my daughter. She’s 20 and I want her to have a car and a job but, she is still adamant that she’ll always be anxious about driving. It’s like she doesn’t even want to try to not be anxious because if she can get over her anxiety she’ll prove me right. It’s so hard.

We had the talk with the kids about how we’d front them the money for their first cars once they got jobs (well and a license in my daughter’s case). They seemed on board. I think my son will have a job by next week. He’s very motivated and needs a car for college. My daughter is supposed to be driving herself to school from now on to get practice in, with me in the passenger seat of course, but she says I make her nervous so let’s see how well that works.

I got a lot of laundry done and then about 4pm I fell asleep. I hate being exhausted so early in the day. I wish I could stay up and be productive all day. I woke up from this nap at 10pm had a decent dinner and took my evening meds and then went back to bed. I have two reasons for the fatigue, I have clots in my lungs and legs and I am severely depressed. I should cut myself some slack because I am doing things I could never do when depressed in the past, showering, brushing my teeth, eating normally. I am so grateful that these symptoms are lessening so much because they are my most embarrassing and troublesome symptoms but, my mood and my energy level is still that of someone in severe depression. It’s difficult. Hopefully the med change I talked about Friday will help. I’m thinking I need a new med entirely rather than just an increased dosage though.

Have you ever been half depressed like I am now? That’s what it feels like. I’m half depressed. I can do all the things I want/need to do which is completely atypical of depressed me but, I’m still feeling exhausted and the dread is creeping in all the time. I’d love to hear from you! I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Jan 15,2016 (Depression is Back and I’m Taking on the Mail)

Journal Entry: Jan 15,2016 (Depression is Back and I’m Taking on the Mail)

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I woke up around 7:30am I think, brushed my teeth, got breakfast and then slept until 2pm. I had posts to write, my journal entry for yesterday and this post I’m excited about about not feeling grown-up. I don’t know why I slept all day. I can only think that my depression is worsening. It was getting better. The bipolar coaster is the worst. So now I can’t write. I mean I’m writing this because it’s quick and less formal than the thoughts I want to lay out in the other post I should be writing.

I have been completely depressed all day but, I have made plans for getting past my mail phobia. I don’t open mail. It is a real problem which I address in the post I’m working on about being a grown-up. I have decided that this weekend I am going to at least sort the mail in alphabetical order (by company name) and then once it is all sorted I will tackle one folder at a time. I’ve asked my family for help so I’m hopeful that this will actually happen.

Well I am going to go to sleep early because I have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow if I don’t just get hit with another crazy wave of exhaustion. I hope this finds you well or working toward wellness.

Journal Entry: Jan 11, 2106 (Tired of Daily Naps)

Journal Entry: Jan 11, 2106 (Tired of Daily Naps)

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Well today I was somewhat prolific on the blog. I wrote/finished 3 posts. I hope you enjoyed them. Life wise I was also pretty good. I brushed my teeth this morning again and I even sorted, folded, and put away clean laundry. Mostly because I had no underwear left but, still. It was a more productive day than most and then 5pm hit and I needed a nap.

Napping can be nice but lately I have needed a nap a day. It’s starting to get a little old not being able to stay awake for a full day. I’m not sure what is going on. I’m sleeping at night. Could it just be that my hypomania is making me so jittery and so restless during the morning/day that I tire myself out? I am on Latuda again which can cause drowsiness and I can’t take it in the morning so I take it at night which I think should make it a less likely culprit. Could it just be that I’m in a mixed state? Rapid cycling through mania and depression? It’s just every afternoon. I have therapy tomorrow and though we are trying to do EMDR to fix the root cause of my issues I think this is worth raising.

I suppose I should be happy. I’m a grown up who is out of work and not financially stressed and I get more sleep. Sleep is beautiful and wonderful and comfy. I guess I just think I could get more done if I didn’t have a 2-3 hour nap every day. Maybe tomorrow I’ll set an alarm so I’m only out for an hour or so.

I’m sorry if my journal entries aren’t very interesting. I use them mostly for myself but, I try to bring up some point that someone may be struggling with in each one. Maybe I’ll just keep it up until I am doing better, until I don’t have to think of having to brush my teeth anymore. I hope this finds you well or on your way to wellness.