Journal Entry: Jan 9, 2016 (Anxiety Fueled Writer’s Block)

Journal Entry: Jan 9, 2016 (Anxiety Fueled Writer’s Block)

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Well, I did brush my teeth this morning but, that’s the only positive I can think of. This journal entry is going great so far, eh? I just had a very down day. Well a down yet jittery day if that makes any sense. I got some good feedback on the first part of my series on PTSD and I was so grateful I decided I had to write the second part but, I just couldn’t. I actually broke into a cold sweat when I sat down to write it and that was just after contemplating what images to use. I guess that I’m not as over that as I thought I was. I really thought I was down to 1 or 2 very distinct triggers at this point but, I guess writing down the details and what causes me to really freak out really freaked me out. I will try again tomorrow. I do think it’s important.

I had a not so great self care day. I barely ate anything I didn’t eat until noon after being up for 6 hours. I haven’t gotten out of my PJs. I did post some helpful things on Pinterest and Twitter so that was a positive. Well this is going to be the shortest journal entry ever but, I really don’t have much more to say, I played Skyrim, watched Doctor Who and took a nap midday. I do have to say I think that one of the reasons I am so tired apart from being hypomanic and anxious may be that I switched to decaf. Or I just tired myself out with so much stress. It’s one of those.

Oh yes I almost forgot, there was something interesting I found today it was a list of ways to cope with anxiety after I tried writing and had a panic attack I tried one of them that I hadn’t heard of before (see image below), grab a book and read the first chapter you find aloud. I read more than a chapter but, still it seemed to have helped. I recommend it. It seems silly reading out loud to yourself and clearly this isn’t a trick you could use on the subway or at work but, for a home based solution it has potential. I hope you’re well or working toward wellness. Good night!

AnxietyTechniques

Why I have PTSD: part I

Why I have PTSD: part I

PTSD 2 1

I categorize myself as someone who has PTSD but, I have so few triggers and it doesn’t take over my life so I’m not sure I have the right to say that I have PTSD. There were 3 truly traumatic events in my life; I was emotionally abused by my ex husband, I was in a severe car accident where both of my femurs broke and my right foot was pinned (and broken) I also broke a rib and my pelvis (the hip sockets), and I was raped multiple times. Each of these events has come back to haunt me in a PTSD episode if that is what you could call it.

My ex husband was very controlling. He picked me up from work one night and as we were driving home he swerved to the side of the road like a mad man and asked loudly, “Who was that guy you were talking to?” I responded, “The security guard, he’s like 60 and I was just being nice.” He said, “You don’t have to be nice.” I said, “I can’t not talk to men I work with.” He responded, “Yes you can. Just say I’m sorry I can’t talk to you, I’m married.” I never actually did that because it is insane but, he truly wanted me to, no he was ordering me to. He always thought I was cheating on him. I was raising two kids and working I had no time nor desire to cheat on him and honestly had never once given him any reason not to trust me. I didn’t have a past history, I wasn’t going out ever because he scared all of my friends away. It was insanity. His own Mother told him this on numerous occasions. He just wouldn’t hear reason. Read more

Where to Start? Not at the Beginning.

Where to Start? Not at the Beginning.

As a Doctor Who fan I know that time is not a strict progression of cause to effect so starting at the beginning would be silly and it would take a long time to get to any real events of consequence. No I think the better option is to make this post my mission statement of sorts as well as a getting to know you, ice breaker post. I have been told time and again that I’m a great writer but, thanks to my very low self esteem, I often think people are saying this to be nice. I don’t think I’m a terrible writer though so I thought blogging along with my twitter feed @RealismBites would be a good way to get my story out there and hopefully cause many people to say, “I’m not the only one!”

So that is the basis of my mission statement. It is to help those who need to know or be reminded (as I often do) that depression is as real as a broken leg. That you aren’t the only one who finds daily things, that others seem to do without thinking, extraordinarily difficult. That it isn’t out of the realm of possibility that you might be extremely lonely and yet cancel every set of plans because you want to be alone simultaneously. That you had a severe panic attack when you heard about the most recent mass shooting. That hearing your neighbors argue gave you a PTSD flashback to feeling exactly like you did that time your ex husband wouldn’t let you leave the bedroom until you agreed to have a drink with him and yelled for hours about you judging him. That it is impossible to watch a rape scene partly because it is a horrific thing for anyone to go through but, also because you wish you had been as strong as the women fighting and clawing and screaming at their attackers. That it isn’t abnormal for you to be able to binge watch Jessica Jones but be incapable of concentrating in a 30 minute meeting. That people do not often go out of their way to be so nice as to make much effort or in my case to promote you as my therapist has assured me many times.
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