Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 52 min 2.64 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Stressed, happy for a bit, exhausted, anxious

I know I said in my recent journal entry, “Screw the Scale” but, I’m stressing tomorrow’s weigh in. I’m just working so hard and doing so many things right it’s just going to discourage me to see another gain tomorrow and I’m especially worried there will be one because it is that time of the month. I know it’s a marathon not a sprint and all and I really do know that it takes time and I just need to keep doing what I’m doing but, I’m just worried about the psychological hit of another week with a gain. I did an extra 15 minutes on the bike today and took a nice walk with my Sister and nephew this afternoon because it was beautiful out and I got ice cream for my whole family but, none for myself. All because of tomorrow’s weigh in. I’m just obsessing. I haven’t skipped any meals or anything dangerous it’s just taken over my mind.

But anywho, that sucks and who knows maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to post a loss. Or maybe I’ll be able to post a gain and not freak out about it. Onto cheerier subjects, today was pretty good other than being exhausted for most of it. I got some good nephew time in. Got to take a nice 20 minute or so walk outside in the fresh air. Got some new workout clothes and cleaning supplies so that I can start cleaning tomorrow. Of course now I’m stressing because I still haven’t finished going through my mail and I haven’t done my taxes…is this cleaning kick just a new project to procrastinate on those other adult matters I need to take care of? Oh and I haven’t done my free writing in days. Have to get back on that, tomorrow. For now I am exhausted and I’m going to get some sleep. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

 

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 52 min 2.68 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Frustrated and exhausted but a bit motivated

I went to the gym this morning and found my workout really hard again and this time it was arms and abs. Maybe it wasn’t the yoga that caused my struggle with my strength training Friday, maybe it’s just the beginning of my cycle sucking away all of my energy. While on the treadmill, I started talking to a gym buddy about diet. He said, “You’re doing great here but, diet is like 80% of it. You should talk to the nutrition guy here, he changed my life.” I told him that I know and I’m working on the diet but, not wholeheartedly yet. I’ve cut liquid calories, I am eating 3 mostly healthy meals a day, I avoid junk food almost entirely but, I haven’t started really working on my diet yet. It’s hard because I am depressed and so my house is naturally a mess. I know I live with three other people but, I think they get annoyed doing stuff when I don’t so they just kind of gave up on cleaning too.

I decided today on that treadmill that if I’m going to start eating right I need to get my kitchen in order and keep it that way. You can’t cook food if your pans and dishes are always dirty so I decided I was going to come up with a plan for keeping the house clean. Rules for everyone in the house to follow regarding picking up after themselves to ensure the kitchen doesn’t become a backlog of dishes that should have been put in the dishwasher. I wrote up a neat little list of things that need to be done by all of us in the morning, throughout the day and before bed. It is going to be hard to stick to at first I fear but if we all stay on each other I think we can do it. Then once the kitchen is consistently clean I can start cooking for myself rather than eating frozen food all the time.

I discussed it with the family they were mostly on board. We’ll see how it goes. Do you have trouble keeping your house clean when depressed? Do you find family members are helpful or get annoyed by doing all the work and just give up? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 48 min 2.45 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Content for a bit then Blah

Well I got to the gym at my normalish time today 5:30am. I usually get up at 5am, take my meds, brush my teeth, get dressed for the gym and go right away so that I can get home by 7:20am or so to take my daughter to school but, her college has had a major power outage and her classes have been cancelled nearly all week so I’ve been letting myself sleep in a bit on the days where she doesn’t have school. I think my acquaintances at the gym might be thinking I’m slacking or I’ve fallen off the wagon but, oh no not at all I just don’t have anything to do after so I can wake up whenever but, not today, today I had Comcast coming, finally, to fix my internet/cable/phone. So I woke up early so I could gym/breakfast/shower before the tech arrived.

He arrived right on time and told me there was nothing he could do, the problem was at the pole. He said a bucket truck would be coming by to fix it within 24-48 hours. He was great so I wasn’t mad at him but, I was mad. I was just aggravated. I’d had no internet since Monday morning it was starting to drive me nuts. Today I decided to watch some DVDs. I watched Step Brothers a highly underrated Will Ferrell film that I love and Die Hard with a Vengeance (which is almost as good as the original). Then I noticed that our modem was lighting up and asked my son to check outside for a bucket truck, sure enough one was out there and we had internet back, hallelujah! I was thinking of all the blogging I had to catch up on but, I was just too depressed to do it.

I don’t know what was wrong with me today but, I ate like a pig. I dunno if I was eating my feelings or what. Maybe I was still bothered by my .7 lb gain on Monday. I ate a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner but, I ate in between and after. I had a hot chocolate with Bailey’s and marshmallows and whipped cream, I had well more than 1 serving of Thin Mints ice cream and even after I ate a healthyish dinner I added on an order of garlic bread with cheese that could have fed 3 or 4. I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was because I was still depressed even if I was awake. I’m not sure what caused me to eat like that. You’d think after gaining weight (yes I know it was less than a lb but, it was still a gain) I would be less likely to eat like that. Unless it was me bucking against the pressure I’m putting on myself to lose a little every single week. That damn perfectionism again. It’s always sabotaging me. Well I mean I’m always self-sabotaging because of it. Whatever the case may be I will hopefully not do that again, at least not too often, I can’t say I’ll never pig out again, sometimes it’s good to let go a little but, let’s try to keep it to a minimum while also trying to lose weight, huh?

Do you suffer from perfectionism? Does it cause you a lot of trouble? Have you ever binged while trying to lose weight? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

 

Journal Entry: Feb 15, 2016 (Screw the Scale)

Journal Entry: Feb 15, 2016 (Screw the Scale)

Journal Entry: Feb 15, 2016 (Screw the Scale)

Weight: 204 lbs (up .7 lbs from last week but, still down over all)
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 46 min 2.42 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Slightly discouraged and a lot blah

So I’m up .7 lbs and that really sucks because I have been working so hard and so consistently. I know it’s so small an amount I shouldn’t begin to be stressed about it but, I am a little. I’ve cut lattes and donuts and iced lemon pound cake, that’s at least 500 calories a day less I’m eating. That alone should be causing me to lose weight add to it daily strength training and cardio and it just bugs me to have any gains. It may be just water, it may be that I’ve gained muscle mass (I have been strength training harder and harder all the time), it may just be digestive but. honestly I think the big reason I gained .7 lbs from last week is because I skipped so many meals recently. I know that seems counter-intuitive but my metabolism just is not a fan of meal skipping. It goes into starvation mode quick.

Really though, I’m going to stop stressing the scale. You know what? I feel better and that is what really counts. My knees no longer pop when I walk up the stairs. The indents my socks leave on my ankles are far less deep meaning my calves are slimming down or my legs are swelling less, either of which is a great thing. Those are what I am going to try to focus on. I did let this morning’s result keep me from working hard at the gym or from eating a healthy breakfast. I’m just going to keep on trucking. I have set alarms for lunch and dinner and have been very good about making sure I eat three mostly healthy meals a day. Soon I’ll make sure they are more than mostly healthy but, for now diet is just too much to stress about as much as I could.

I was really blah pretty much all day I mean my morning results didn’t cheer me up and then, when I got home from the gym I found out I had no internet connection. I chatted with Comcast and they can’t get somebody out until Tuesday which I think is a bit ridiculous but, whatever, someone will be here Tuesday 2-4pm. Today I slept mostly. I just had no motivation to do anything. I did wake up to eat lunch and dinner but, for the most part I just slept the day away. I’m so depressed it isn’t even funny. I suppose the increase in Latuda did not help or possibly hurt. I mean that seems unlikely but, I know I feel worse since we increased the dosage maybe it is just not good for me. I’m supposed to wait so many days before increasing my Wellbutrin. That was the other change the psychiatrist prescribed. I think I need to get off the Latuda mainly. Oh well we’ll see Friday. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 14, 2016 (Blah Eating)

Journal Entry: Feb 14, 2016 (Blah Eating)

Journal Entry Feb 14 2016

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 46 min 2.39 miles
Healthy Breakfast: No (went out for my weekly breakfast)
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes! Doing good on this.
Mood: Good then blah

So you may be wondering why this post has no pic or why the spacing on the first section looks different. Well that is because we somehow lost internet overnight and Comcast can’t fix it until tomorrow, Tuesday between 2-4pm. I’m so angry and frustrated because I pay a lot of money for their service and I want this fixed right away because I’m forced to post this from my iPhone. But really this is a Monday problem, not a Sunday problem.

Sunday was pretty good. We went out to breakfast and went to see Deadpool because we are really romantic. We were not alone, the theater was packed and we had to wait for a later showing than we’d planned. The movie was awesome. I would highly recommend it. Then we got home and set up my rug so now my office corner is just about complete.

Then as always I got blah in the evening. I didn’t want to eat dinner but I hadn’t eaten lunch other than popcorn and an orange soda at the theater. I almost skipped dinner for the third time this week but I didn’t I ate a Lean Cuisine. I really hate eating especially when I am depressed. I hate how much effort it takes to make food and clean up after food and even eat food. Diet is the real key to losing weight though so I have to stop futzing around and get serious. I decided to set alarms for lunch and dinner time to remind myself to eat. Even if for now it’s just Lean Cuisines it’s better than Dunkin Donuts. I think just eating consistently will help me with my weight loss. My body tends to hold onto fat when it isn’t fed regularly.

I did start a home yoga camp on Sunday but I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it Monday due to the internet outage. Once I have internet again I’ll link to it. Writing on this phone is kind of crummy so I’m going to end it here. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 13, 2016 (Skipping Dinner)

Journal Entry: Feb 13, 2016 (Skipping Dinner)

Journal Entry: Feb 13, 2016 (Skipping Dinner)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 44 min 2.27 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Good and then blah/dreadful

So today was a good day for healthy habits, I did all the stuff I planned to do. I got a good workout in, ate a healthy breakfast, had a lovely shower and avoided Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks yet again. I’ve been doing great in the morning – early afternoon but, then late afternoon – evening sucks. I’ve skipped dinner twice this week. Not because I’m developing an eating disorder or want to lose weight faster because I know about starvation mode and I think my body is more likely to hold onto fat when I skip meals based on previous slips of this nature. You’d think eating one meal a day would make you thin and maybe it would work for you but, not for me, I lose zero weight when I skip meals. I think my body is always in fight or flight mode as far as my diet is concerned because it is rarely a regular event. I eat sporadically and at different times of the day, though I’m getting better at it, or so I thought.

No I missed dinner twice this week once because I was busy and once because I slept through it. I went to take a nap at like 5pm yesterday and just stayed asleep all night until about midnight when my boyfriend came to bed. Then I decided I needed to get up for a bit. Eating at midnight did not seem like a great idea and I didn’t feel hungry so I ate a handful or dark chocolate covered almonds and played video games for a couple of hours. I fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 4am. I then went to my actual bed.

This is really problematic though. Skipping meals is very bad for you and I just need to get the second half of my day to start flowing like the first half which is going great. Maybe it is time to make an evening routine. I can set an alarm for eating dinner and stack habits onto that. I’ll think about it and report back. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Jan 26, 2016 (My Happy Place)

Journal Entry: Jan 26, 2016 (My Happy Place)

Journal Entry Jan 26, 2016

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 1 18m 45s mile
Mood: Almost happy but, still have lingering doubts and self esteem issues nagging at me

Great productive day, got my kids signed up for their road tests, got myself signed up for PT, went to therapy and babysat my adorable nephew and now I am finally home and I’m eating Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food for dinner :/ What’s the point of starting my day with a healthy breakfast if I eat like crap the rest of the day? I suppose at least one healthy meal is better than no healthy meals. I’m starting small and that is OK. I’m saying that to myself more than you. Really though what’s the use in being grown up if you can’t eat ice cream for dinner once in awhile?

I did a bit of meditation in therapy today and I got a little tense but, I didn’t have a panic attack. I didn’t have any sort of calming feeling either though. My therapist said there’s nothing wrong with that just not doing anything for a bit would be good for me and I think she’s right. I’m never doing nothing. I am always doing one – three things. I am on my phone constantly, I am watching TV, playing a video game…mostly those three things really. I just can’t sit still. I can’t let my brain rest. I’m always thinking. We (my therapist and I) think that it’s a defense mechanism, if my mind is busy and cluttered I can’t think about all of the trauma I’ve been through. She asked me a long time ago to think of a happy place and I had so much trouble with it, I’ve said before I often feel like I barely know myself. Well today I came up with one I think will work for me. I’ve always been interested in archaeology and ruins and there are I believe Aztec ruins in Mexico that I want to see one day, I’m going to look up some pics now that will help me visualize it. Who knows maybe it’ll work and it’s a positive thing, it’s a goal, something to work toward. Using that for meditation may help to make it a reality someday if my bipolar depressive episodes ever allow me to keep enough vacation time to use for a vacation.

Oh well I’m off to look longingly at pictures of Mexico. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.