I am obese. I have been for a long time now. I think I may be genetically predisposed, none of my relatives are stick figures, but I know my habits are to blame in large part. Being obese makes me hate my body and leads to more negative self talk, depression, and anxiety but, I think being mentally ill is what makes me obese. You see bad habits are harder to break and good habits are harder to form, though I am trying, when you’ve got bipolar (mostly depression), ADD, anxiety, and PTSD. They feed into each other. I’m obese because I’m mentally ill and I’m having trouble overcoming my mental illnesses because I’m obese. It’s a problem I am sure many people have. I thought about doing some research on this matter but, I think it is very easy to come by, the link between weight and mental illness whether you are obese or underweight is quite obvious. I think instead I’ll just talk about my weight and my history.
I was always short, thin, and awkward growing up. When I became a teenager curves started developing, my legs started getting “thick” as one guy put it but, I was still in a size 3 and had flat abs. The guys loved it and that was very important to me at the time. I wasn’t crazy about my legs, I did Legs of Steel workouts to try and slim them down but, not really in earnest. Then I had kids. Now you might think I’m going to say they made me fat but, you’d be wrong, I was right back in my size 3 jeans after my children. I had my children very young, I was 16 and 19 when I gave birth. So whenever I say “I’m fat” to someone and they say, “well you have two kids” I have to tell them they are not to blame at all. I was able to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about my weight. Though I did do some working out to get rid of the baby weight I didn’t work out regularly and I didn’t keep up with it. Read more
You must doubt it sometimes but I do love you,
I am in love with you and want to grow old with you.
I must feel like I’m miles away sometimes,
Blank faced and dull and not the girl you fell in love with.
All the passion has been hidden away in my head,
I wish I could share it with you but, I can’t find it myself.
My mood swings must scare and confuse you,
I’m either mute or talking a mile a minute.
Sometimes I don’t want you around and I feel guilty,
But then I don’t want to be around anyone.
I promise It’s not you and it’s not me either,
It’s a mental disorder which I am fighting, fighting for us.
I’m sorry that you have to share the pain of bipolar with me.
I’ve been thinking of the word grown-up. You see I don’t feel grown-up even though I own my own home and have two children who are 18 and 20. I know I’m not alone here as I posed the question on Twitter earlier and got some feedback. I started thinking, “what does grown-up even mean?” so I looked it up and here is what I found.
Merriam-Webster’s Full Definition of Grown-Up (noun)
OK that is as vague as possible so let’s see what their definition of Adult is…
Merriam-Webster’s Full Definition of Adult (noun)
One that is adult; especially: a human being after an age (as 21) specified by law
Wait! They used the word to define the word? You can’t do that! I need answers www.m-w.com and you have let me down after I trusted you for so many years. I suppose maybe my question is more philosophical and the wordsmiths can’t help me with it. Read more
I can change the World,
Go big or go home!
I’ll never buy anything in packaging that can’t be recycled again.
OK so I have to spend a bit more on eggs. That’s OK.
“No, I have my own bags.”
You peddler of plastic bags that suffocate our environment!
Hmm, Christmas time, is wrapping paper recyclable?
How can I tell if the packaging this will come in is recyclable?
I can’t not buy gifts but, I’m going to be adding non biodegradable trash to the World.
I can’t change the World.
There’s always something that can’t be recycled.
Always lurking, hidden in plain sight.
Who was I kidding?
I can’t change the World.
I can’t even get out of bed.
I considered writing this post without revealing whether I am a conservative or a liberal. I didn’t want to alienate my readers. I didn’t want to start a comment war. The whole point of this post is to determine whether my overtly passionate views (read rage) over politics is a Me thing or a Bipolar thing. I guess the main point is to find out from you: are you bipolar and passionate about politics? If so, do you think it’s you and your values or do you think it is part of the disorder that gets you extra revved up by it?
I have been passionate about politics since 9/11. Since Bush started a war in Iraq even though the perpetrators of those deadly and horrific attacks were from Afghanistan. Yes I am a liberal in case that isn’t obvious already. A bleeding heart democrat. My blood runs blue. This is another thing I hide except amongst friends I know are on my side because I don’t like fighting about politics. I like ranting about them to like-minded folks but, fighting scares me. Part of my insecurity I suppose. Read more
I hope that my creation of this site, and the twitter handle, and the tumblr, and the facebook page doesn’t indicate that I’m in any way qualified to help anyone with their problems. I’m just as messed up as anyone else. I admit I was feeling hypomanic when I started all of this and thought I could help people but, not because I thought I was cured or a success story. In a way it’s probably best that I’m not fine. If I hadn’t had depression in years I might be talking about it and remembering it but not really feeling all of it.
My problems are nothing compared to others’ I know but, they are debilitating for me and I’m sure others who have it better or worse than I have felt some of these pains before. That really is why I’m doing this to share my thoughts and feelings on dealing with mental illness. I struggle to brush my teeth, haven’t done it in weeks. I feel disgusting admitting that and my mouth feels gross but, I just can’t seem to do it. I don’t open my mail. Luckily most bills are paid online but, there are plenty of hospital bills I am just blatantly ignoring. I don’t understand my mail phobia. I wish I did and could conquer it. I don’t eat right or at all sometimes. Yesterday I woke up at about 7am and at 6pm I realized I’d only had 8 lifesavers and 4 glasses of apple juice all day. I’m a grown woman (supposedly). That is not healthy.
I know that the thing I lack is routine. I have been out of work since July and that is making me so much more depressed. Yay! I get to binge watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Boo! I’m even less motivated than I was when I was working at my last job which I hated with a passion. I’ve now got a clean bill of physical health but, I’m still waiting for the mental health to catch up. I keep thinking I’m going to hit rock bottom and bounce back or that something is just going to snap into place and I’ll be motivated. I keep thinking the med changes will kick in and fix me but, I know there are no quick fixes. It’s just hard to do the work when getting off the couch feels like a monumental task. This is me most days:
If you haven’t watched Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt yet what are you waiting for?