All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

I have always had an all or nothing attitude which has held me back in so many ways. I am either kicking ass and taking names or I am slowly becoming a part of the couch. It is very rare that I allow myself to do part of something or to do a mediocre job because I am a perfectionist. If I can’t do it perfectly I won’t do it at all. This leads to me putting so much pressure and importance on a project that I either stress about it all day long (even when I’m not working on the project) or I crash and burn and leave the job half done. I also tend to get analysis paralysis (can’t take credit, my therapist calls it that); I plan things so intricately that I never get to them. I want to make sure I do the task as efficiently and expertly as possible so I think and plan and think and plan and never get around to the doing phase. I’m not sure which one of my many mental illnesses are responsible for this but, I’m leaning toward the ADD, bipolar II, and maybe even the anxiety. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 11, 2016 (Yoga Training Begun)

Journal Entry: Feb 11, 2016 (Yoga Training Begun)

Journal Entry: Feb 11, 2016 (Yoga Training Begun)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 42 min 2.16 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes!
Mood: Content for most of the day but, around 6pm-8pm the dread started creeping in

Today was a good productive day I’ve been going a very long time with my healthy habits and I have to say I’m proud of myself. I haven’t missed a day on any of them. I’m going to reward myself with a mani/pedi. Maybe tomorrow I’ll actually count the days I’ve been going. Oh, before we get to the meat of today’s post I need to mention that I did an interview with like-mindedmag.com which can be found here: like-mindedmag.com/018_retta/. I have gotten a lot of good feedback on it and I really appreciated the chance to open up in a venue other than this blog. Please give it a read if you have a chance and let me know what you think. Now more to the point, today I want to talk about my first yoga training session…I’m not sure of its official name but, that’s what I’ve decided to call it.

I met with my trainer/coach Kara and she really just wanted to get to know me and you know I’m an open book so I started telling her about my recent health problems which led to talk of the original accident that caused them. She then asked about my upbringing and such, it was a getting to know you session and I spilled all of my beans, even beans I haven’t spilled here yet. I told her how I can’t meditate and how I’d like to be able to tap into my repressed emotions surrounding trauma which led to talking about my multiple rapes. We didn’t actually get to any yoga we just talked the whole time and then she gave me homework which I love.

My homework is to sit and breathe for a minute and then free write for 5 minutes every day. I love free writing. I discovered it when reading The Artist’s Way which is an interesting book, tad religious but, I just ignored that part. I used to free write every morning, 3 pages worth. It was a morning brain dump and I think it was very helpful. I did my free writing yesterday and found that 5 minutes is a very small amount of time. I think I’m going to increase it to 10 minutes if it’s OK with Kara. I think a lot, very quickly mostly thanks to my ADD so it’s nice to put it down on paper even if I never look at it again just to get my thoughts out there. I mean that is pretty much what I do here. Other than a quick spell check I rarely edit any of my posts, you’re getting 100% raw, unedited thoughts just typed out very quickly. I hope they are helpful or entertaining. So I’m looking forward to my yoga training. My first homework assignment is exciting and I can’t wait to get another one. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.