I’m awake at 1:39 am because I was in bed until about 1:39 pm yesterday. My depression is getting worse and my avoidance is off the charts. I started thinking maybe getting out of this major depression is like quitting smoking; you can try and try to quit but you won’t be able to until a switch is flipped in your brain. I think that is how I’ll end up getting out of my depression, one day the switch will flip and I’ll be better but how do I make that happen?
I’ve tried healthy habits, I go to therapy every week, I take my medsevery day (with some exceptions or delays), I’m doing the yoga training to try to breathe my way out of it, I’ve tried reiki, I’ve tried writing my way out of it, and reasoning my way out of it. All to no avail. I realized today that yeah I go to therapy and yoga training but I never do the homework. Why? Is it my ADD making it difficult to complete assignments or am I self-sabotaging?
I’m a master self-saboteur. I’ve been doing it my whole life. I just don’t realize I’m doing it until after the fact or when things have gotten really out of hand. I think to flip the switch I need to determine why I am doing it.
I am anxious about looking for a new job, I am anxious about whether I’m ready and able to return to work, I am worried that my mental illnesses will screw up my new job (whatever that may be), I’m worried I’ll have to settle for a job that I hate, I’m worried that I’ll have to settle for less money, I’m worried that I won’t be able to work and go to school, I’m worried that I won’t have time to work out once I get a job (not like I’m doing that now), I’m just scared of moving forward I think.
So how do I overcome that fear? I suppose I can answer all of those fears with a positive/realistic counter argument. Looking for a new job won’t be so bad, it’s just a matter of searching the Internet which I do all the time anyways. My therapist will help me decide when I’m ready to return to work. I will get the right combination of medications before returning to work so I will be able to work despite depression or hypomania. I won’t settle for a job I hate. I won’t settle for less money. I will be able to work and go to school just like I did when I worked in Boston (and I got all A’s then). I will make time to workout going back to work will help me be more productive thanks to the new routine. Moving forward will help so much, I need to get off the couch and into a new office.
I don’t know if recognizing what is holding me back will help flip the switch but, I’ve got my fingers crossed. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.