Sorry if that Eminem song is now as stuck in your head as it is in mine. It just fit because I feel as though I’ve fallen away from so many things I loved, including blogging. I fell off the wagon recently, which I was on for so gosh darn long, and I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. I think the reason I fell off the wagon can be found in my All or Nothing post but, I’ll provide a quick summary here: I got too obsessed with my healthy habits. I got so obsessed with losing weight and having a perfect streak that I stopped doing everything when I stopped doing something. It’s a mess and then I went through a period of eating absolute crap, doing nothing and sleeping until 1:30pm. In short I was suffering from major depression exacerbated by my PMDD. I recognized it as soon as it started to get worse and took the extra meds meant to prevent it getting this bad but, they couldn’t touch it. Back to the drawing board for those meds I suppose.
I tweeted recently that I had a life altering post coming but, I’m not sure I’m ready to post it. Right now I’m just going to vent about how I’ve been feeling/acting. First, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been sleeping in and then taking naps as well, really long naps. Because of all of this sleeping I’m not eating very much (which may be causing some of the fatigue) and what I do eat is bad for me. I’ve had a major increase in anxiety, some full blown panic attacks but, also just near constant palpitations as well. I missed last week’s therapy appointment because I was too depressed and I missed this week’s because I had to take my daughter to the hospital (she’s fine, they ruled out all the scary stuff). It’s a bad time to be missing therapy. I feel like I need to get back on the ball and I tried yesterday but, I fell right back off it. Maybe I need to start the way I started the first time, one habit at a time.
I spoke with Long Term Disability yesterday and they are talking about me applying for Social Security Disability. I don’t want that though. I would just barely make ends meet with that wouldn’t I? I mean they wouldn’t match my previous salary and it would take so long. Plus I don’t need it, I can work and I can work well. I know I can I just need to get over this depression. Honestly if I hadn’t lost my job I would have been back part time at least in December but, losing my job has made my depression and anxiety so incredibly hard to cope with. I have felt darker depression than I have ever had to deal with during this time. I think being out of work makes the depression worse but, the depression is so bad I don’t know how to get a new job and go to it every day. I’m terrified of looking for a new job. I’m terrified of interviewing for a new job. I’m terrified of meeting new co-workers while trying to hide how insecure and nervous I am. I’m terrified that the stress of a new job will force me deeper into depression. I can’t live like this though. I need to get back on the ball. We have a lot of improvements to make to this house and I’d like to go on a vacation at some point in my life and we can’t do that if I’m not earning a full salary.
Besides I have dreams of getting myself into the tech industry. I was in school before all this happened learning about coding and SQL. It was interesting and I enjoyed it even if it did stress me to bits, it was good stress. Sometimes I worry that because I don’t know myself (Identity Confusion) maybe I was actually meant to be a writer and not a programmer which is what makes it hard for me when I try to get to know myself because that isn’t a realistic dream. IT is realistic and I already know I get great joy helping someone figure something out. My therapist says I could do both. Work in IT during the day and write in my free time. She’s completely right and I know it. I just worry about getting another job that I hate. I’m not sure I could get into IT, I know my stuff but, I don’t have a piece of paper that says so yet. I am afraid I’m going to have to settle for an admin type job and I hate that kind of work. Oh well here comes a panic attack maybe I should stop thinking about work.
So as you can see I’m a big ball of nerves regarding work. I’ve been lazy and tired and just doing whatever I want really. I mentioned in the All or Nothing post something that made a lot of sense and I’m going to repeat it here with more detail for those of you who haven’t seen Labyrinth. In Labyrinth Sarah, the main character, has to get to the castle in time to get her baby brother back from the Goblin King. The Labyrinth is full of obstacles though and when Jareth (AKA The Goblin King, AKA David Bowie) sees that she is making good time he puts more obstacles in her path. One such obstacle is a trash heap and a replica of her room. Sarah is confused and has slight amnesia and a junk lady keeps giving her all of her favorite things from home to make her happy and to keep her from progressing toward the castle. At first Sarah is complacent and takes all of her stuffed animals and just relaxes a bit but then she remembers her brother Toby and continues on her way.
I am complacent, confused Sarah and my depression is the junk lady giving me the things I love (Skyrim, Doctor Who, Game of Thrones, etc.) to keep me comfortable and not stress myself out too much. I don’t know what my Toby is though. Is it a job? Is it going back to school? Why do I need to get to the castle at the end of the Labyrinth? What’s there for me? Maybe when I figure that out I’ll be able to break free of the junk lady/depression’s attempts to lull me into a standstill. Maybe I’ll write another post soon where I try to figure out what I should be progressing toward. Do you ever feel like your depression is trying to keep you lazy by reminding you how much you love a video game or show or book? I would love to hear from anyone who’s had a similar experience. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.