That is a picture of my actual living room. I am incredibly embarrassed by the state it is in but, how else can I demonstrate how out of control my life is? Notice all of the take out bags and containers, a meal hasn’t been cooked in this house in a long time unless you consider Kraft Mac & Cheese or Lean Cuisines meals. We only eat at this table by the way because the dining room has turned into a storage room. I have 3 baskets of clean laundry I haven’t put away so my dirty laundry is piling up on the floor (because all of the baskets are occupied). So we can all agree my home is a crazy mess, right?
Well it doesn’t stop there. I have fallen off the healthy habit wagon hard. I’m skipping meds and spending all day in bed doing nothing. I spend some time on Twitter but nothing else. Not important things or fun things. I barely eat and I hardly ever shower. Brushing my teeth has gone out the window as well. I’m writing this post from my phone because I don’t have the energy to get up to get my laptop. I’m not sure how things have gotten so dramatically bad so fast but there has to be a bottom right?
Lately I have been trying to get over my Mother’s guilt. I’m a Mother that raised her kids on her own while dealing with multiple mental illnesses and I wasn’t able to give them the childhoods they deserved or that I planned for them. My therapist keeps telling me it isn’t my fault I did the best that I could with what I had and I’m trying to convince myself of that. I’m writing my children letters to explain my illnesses and to apologize for things they missed out on or that I overlooked because of my illnesses. My son’s was easy and he took it well, he told me it was emotional and even said I love you which he hasn’t said since he turned 16. My daughter’s on the other hand is going to be a novel and I’m terrified to write it. She had a lot of issues that I didn’t deal with or that I was in denial about. I think my brain couldn’t handle dealing with it all and staying employed and somewhat responsible despite suffering from bipolar II, anxiety, ADD, and PTSD.
I’m not writing these letters to earn their forgiveness, though that would be a nice outcome, I’m writing them to tell them that they were never a burden to me and to apologize if I ever made them feel that way and that even if I didn’t say it at the time I was sorry for missed opportunities and that I wasn’t a better mother. That I really wanted to be a better mother and that I plan to do so from now on.
I think getting that out there, letting them know I didn’t willfully decide my son couldn’t play sports and I didn’t ignore my daughter’s trouble in school because I didn’t care, both of those examples kept me up at night and still do sometimes. I hope that once I’ve apologized to them I may be able to forgive myself. I was going through a lot internally and externally during their childhoods. I have to be able to recognize how awesome they turned out and believe that as much as I wish I’d been able to live up to my own ideals, I did a pretty good job.
Along with my Mother’s guilt overwhelming me I had Long Term Disability through my ex employer state that at 10 months I need to file for Social Security Disability. I’ve never been a very reliable employee, I’m out often due to severe depression so maybe it makes sense but, I don’t want to give up on my career path. Maybe hating my jobs has fed into or worsened my depression. Maybe when I get a job I love I’ll be less depressed. Finding a job is so scary though. I’m still in can’t get out of bed level depression. Despite my fears that I’m not yet able to hold a job I am working toward it. Thursday I am going shopping for a new suit with my bestie. I’m also looking into volunteer opportunities to get me ready to head back into the working world.
I suppose I’m looking at my situation pessimistically as I usually do. I am doing work to get over my intense mother’s guilt, I’m doing work to get back to work. Those are things I should be proud of but I can’t help thinking of all of the other things waiting to be done. I hope to get to an optimistic mindset soon. I also hope that this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.