My life is this out of control

My life is this out of control

  
That is a picture of my actual living room. I am incredibly embarrassed by the state it is in but, how else can I demonstrate how out of control my life is? Notice all of the take out bags and containers, a meal hasn’t been cooked in this house in a long time unless you consider Kraft Mac & Cheese or Lean Cuisines meals. We only eat at this table by the way because the dining room has turned into a storage room. I have 3 baskets of clean laundry I haven’t put away so my dirty laundry is piling up on the floor (because all of the baskets are occupied). So we can all agree my home is a crazy mess, right?

Well it doesn’t stop there. I have fallen off the healthy habit wagon hard. I’m skipping meds and spending all day in bed doing nothing. I spend some time on Twitter but nothing else. Not important things or fun things. I barely eat and I hardly ever shower. Brushing my teeth has gone out the window as well. I’m writing this post from my phone because I don’t have the energy to get up to get my laptop. I’m not sure how things have gotten so dramatically bad so fast but there has to be a bottom right?

Lately I have been trying to get over my Mother’s guilt. I’m a Mother that raised her kids on her own while dealing with multiple mental illnesses and I wasn’t able to give them the childhoods they deserved or that I planned for them. My therapist keeps telling me it isn’t my fault I did the best that I could with what I had and I’m trying to convince myself of that. I’m writing my children letters to explain my illnesses and to apologize for things they missed out on or that I overlooked because of my illnesses. My son’s was easy and he took it well, he told me it was emotional and even said I love you which he hasn’t said since he turned 16. My daughter’s on the other hand is going to be a novel and I’m terrified to write it. She had a lot of issues that I didn’t deal with or that I was in denial about. I think my brain couldn’t handle dealing with it all and staying employed and somewhat responsible despite suffering from bipolar II, anxiety, ADD, and PTSD.

I’m not writing these letters to earn their forgiveness, though that would be a nice outcome, I’m writing them to tell them that they were never a burden to me and to apologize if I ever made them feel that way and that even if I didn’t say it at the time I was sorry for missed opportunities and that I wasn’t a better mother. That I really wanted to be a better mother and that I plan to do so from now on.

I think getting that out there, letting them know I didn’t willfully decide my son couldn’t play sports and I didn’t ignore my daughter’s trouble in school because I didn’t care, both of those examples kept me up at night and still do sometimes. I hope that once I’ve apologized to them I may be able to forgive myself. I was going through a lot internally and externally during their childhoods. I have to be able to recognize how awesome they turned out and believe that as much as I wish I’d been able to live up to my own ideals, I did a pretty good job.

Along with my Mother’s guilt overwhelming me I had Long Term Disability through my ex employer state that at 10 months I need to file for Social Security Disability. I’ve never been a very reliable employee, I’m out often due to severe depression so maybe it makes sense but, I don’t want to give up on my career path. Maybe hating my jobs has fed into or worsened my depression. Maybe when I get a job I love I’ll be less depressed. Finding a job is so scary though. I’m still in can’t get out of bed level depression. Despite my fears that I’m not yet able to hold a job I am working toward it. Thursday I am going shopping for a new suit with my bestie. I’m also looking into volunteer opportunities to get me ready to head back into the working world.

I suppose I’m looking at my situation pessimistically as I usually do. I am doing work to get over my intense mother’s guilt, I’m doing work to get back to work. Those are things I should be proud of but I can’t help thinking of all of the other things waiting to be done. I hope to get to an optimistic mindset soon. I also hope that this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Guess Who’s Back, Back Again

Guess Who’s Back, Back Again

Guess Who's Back, Back Again.

Sorry if that Eminem song is now as stuck in your head as it is in mine. It just fit because I feel as though I’ve fallen away from so many things I loved, including blogging. I fell off the wagon recently, which I was on for so gosh darn long, and I’m trying to get back into the swing of things. I think the reason I fell off the wagon can be found in my All or Nothing post but, I’ll provide a quick summary here: I got too obsessed with my healthy habits. I got so obsessed with losing weight and having a perfect streak that I stopped doing everything when I stopped doing something. It’s a mess and then I went through a period of eating absolute crap, doing nothing and sleeping until 1:30pm. In short I was suffering from major depression exacerbated by my PMDD. I recognized it as soon as it started to get worse and took the extra meds meant to prevent it getting this bad but, they couldn’t touch it. Back to the drawing board for those meds I suppose. Read more

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

All or Nothing (the bane of my existence)

I have always had an all or nothing attitude which has held me back in so many ways. I am either kicking ass and taking names or I am slowly becoming a part of the couch. It is very rare that I allow myself to do part of something or to do a mediocre job because I am a perfectionist. If I can’t do it perfectly I won’t do it at all. This leads to me putting so much pressure and importance on a project that I either stress about it all day long (even when I’m not working on the project) or I crash and burn and leave the job half done. I also tend to get analysis paralysis (can’t take credit, my therapist calls it that); I plan things so intricately that I never get to them. I want to make sure I do the task as efficiently and expertly as possible so I think and plan and think and plan and never get around to the doing phase. I’m not sure which one of my many mental illnesses are responsible for this but, I’m leaning toward the ADD, bipolar II, and maybe even the anxiety. Read more

Journal Entry: Mar 7, 2016 (Adventures in Babysitting)

Journal Entry: Mar 7, 2016 (Adventures in Babysitting)

Journal Entry: Mar 7, 2016 (Adventures of Babysitting)

Weight: 194.4 lbs (can’t believe I lost 2 lbs after my cheat weekend)
Brushed Teeth: No, crap! Changing my routine is messing with me.
Walked: Yes, 60 min 3.16 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Not really but, no lattes or donuts, just a small regular coffee and a veggie egg and cheese wrap
Breathing Exercise/Free Writing: Yes
Mood: Stressed, blah, productive

So I had a really bad weekend. I mean I was really bad. I took a gym break Fri, Sat, & Sun due to a huge blister which I got because I have been pushing myself too hard at the gym. I’ve been walking 90 minutes a day and my body found a way to tell me to calm down. So I didn’t got to the gym for 3 days but, that’s not all, I also ate terribly. I guess I just got burnt out completely and then cracked. I’m back on the wagon as of today though. I am going to take it easier on myself. For instance, today I was busy and running around and I allowed myself to go to Dunkin Donuts. I got myself a small regular coffee and a veggie egg white wrap. Last week there is no way I would have done that because it would have meant my streak would have ended even though my swearing off Dunks and Starbucks was about the calorie intake from what I was getting (lattes and donuts and pastries). Today I was able to say, “I don’t have time to eat at home so I’m going to Dunks but, not for a latte or donuts and that’s OK, it is not going to kill me.”

The reason I didn’t have time is because I was babysitting my nephews today. It was eventful. I was there for about a half hour when my 10 month old nephew hurt himself. He was playing with this pillow on the floor, laying on it and crawling over it and he was having a grand ol’ time. He had climbed over it about 3 times and the 3rd time he lost his balance and landed face first on the floor. I mean his face was only like 8 inches off the floor at the time but, the impact was enough that when I picked him up he had blood coming from his mouth. I was so worried about his teeth but, luckily he just cut his lip. He was so upset, understandably but, I cleaned him up and gave him a nice cold bottle to help with the pain. He calmed down and cheered up quickly. A kid getting hurt on your watch is like the babysitter’s worst nightmare. I felt awful.

I think because I spent time doting on the little one after the injury my nearly 3 year old nephew got a little jealous and he decided he would act out to get my attention. (Just to be clear my Sister and Sister-in-law are fabulous mothers so if you have never had 2 or 3 year old please keep in mind that this is all perfectly normal behavior for a kid his age.) He began taking toys from his brother, he was not being gentle with his brother, and then the last straw I was giving an ice pack to the baby and he ripped it out of my hands and would not give it back. I put him in time out and he just wouldn’t stay. He was like a little wild man he jumped out of the chair ran across the table and the couch and all around the house. He kept chewing on the ice pack and I tried to take it away at which point I realized he’d punctured it. It was made for babies and is made of non toxic materials but, I don’t think the stuff inside is great for him either. He was just a crazy boy.

When my Sister got home from work she made him apologize. He then later that night said to her on his own, “I’ll be a good boy for Auntie tomorrow.” Aww. I just love him so much. I mean yeah yesterday was crazy but, he’s still adorable. I had to go to the grocery store on my way home from my Sister’s house and then I went home and starting typing this but, got distracted by the Game of Thrones theme song. My daughter and her friend were watching and I just couldn’t resist joining them. I had to wear my best poker face since I’d already seen the episodes we watched and they hadn’t. So I got to bed late again which didn’t bode well for Tuesday morning and Tuesday is a busy day. Wish me luck! I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Reasons I’m Great

Reasons I’m Great

Reasons I'm Great

I’ve been very negative about myself for a very long time. It is one of the main reasons I am stuck in this rut but, the problem is I think these negative opinions of myself that I hold are completely logical and that saying the opposite would be a lie and I don’t want to lie to myself. I think I’m a terrible Mother (though my therapist points out that my children are doing very well, which they are). I think I’m a terrible employee (though I had big fans at my last couple of jobs who praised me weekly). I think the only reason I got my last promotion was because my boss knew I was having financial trouble and felt sorry for me (my therapist says that is not how companies work). Those are just some examples of negative thoughts I have about myself. The point of this post is to accentuate the positive even if it won’t eliminate the negative. I’m going to list some things that I think make me great and I’m going to do so without typing the “but” thoughts that come after. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 29, 2016 (Another Loss…of lbs)

Journal Entry: Feb 29, 2016 (Another Loss…of lbs)

Journal Entry: Feb 29, 2016 (Another Loss...of lbs)

Weight: 196.3 (the year Doctor Who first aired)
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 90 min 4.68 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Still sick, tired, happy with my weigh in results though

I am down 8.6 lbs! I’m very excited considering I’m not driving myself crazy to lose weight. In the past I’ve been obsessive when trying to lose weight, tracking every calorie consumed or burnt like a mad scientist doing very delicate work. I would count blueberries. I’m not doing that now. I’ve just cut out a lot of the bad stuff I used to be addicted to like lattes and donuts and cake pops. I’ve also cut liquid calories nearly entirely (I still get coffee with cream and sugar when we go out to breakfast). I’m not eating take out or delivery, this means I’m eating a lot of frozen meals which I know are high in sodium but, are much better for me than buffalo chicken pizza with bleu cheese dip.

I’m writing this so late though that I don’t remember what I did on Monday. The past couple of weeks I think I’ve been obsessing more than I realize about losing weight. I know this paragraph completely contradicts the previous one but, it’s only because I started writing this Monday night and I’m finishing it Thursday morning. I’ve done some thinking since then and it’s become clear that my main focus is weight loss so much so that I don’t do anything else after I’ve finished my morning routine. I’ve gone from 60 minutes walking every day to 90 minutes. I got a fitbit yesterday and I have burned 2,355 calories today. This means I need to eat like 1,900 more calories today and man I don’t think I can find a way to do that.

I think I need to calm down is basically what this comes down to. I always have this problem. One thing takes over my life at a time.  I need to find balance. There are many other areas of my life that need attention. I don’t want to stop exercising or stop eating right I just want to stop obsessing over it. Any suggestions would be super helpful. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.