Journal Entry: Feb 25-28 2016 (Sick But Still Going)

Journal Entry: Feb 25-28 2016 (Sick But Still Going)

Journal Entry: Feb 25-28 2016 (Sick But Still Going)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 90 min 4.63 miles (Feb 28)
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Sick, exhausted, depressed, still motivated though

I have been slacking on blogging as I’ve lamented in my last three blogs but, this whole period has just been one long sick mess so I’m just combining days to catch us all up and then I’ll get back on the ball. The stats above apply for all days the 25th through the 28th with the exception of the walking. Here’s the thing, I had and still have, a killer head cold but, I am not slacking on my exercise, diet, hygiene, housekeeping routines at all. I may be waiting to go to the gym until the Mucinex kicks in but I’m still going to the gym and working as hard as I would any day. It’s weird because I still have the depressed mood, fatigue, negativity and I can’t follow through on anything but, this isn’t like my depression or so I thought. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 24, 2016 (Identity Confusion)

Journal Entry: Feb 24, 2016 (Identity Confusion)

Journal Entry: Feb 24, 2016 (Identity Confusion)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 60 min 3.05 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Sick, tired, and intrigued

I am catching up on blogging. I haven’t blogged in days. I’ve just been sick and kind of out of it. I’m still doing my morning routine but, I haven’t been blogging or free writing. Sorry if I said this in my last blog too. In order to write this blog I had to go to my twitter feed to see what I had to say last Wednesday and I made an interesting discovery that day so this won’t be as short as I worried it might. I have suffered from Identity Confusion (first of all didn’t know it was called that) for a long time now. I don’t know myself. I know superficial details but, I feel like I don’t know who the real me is. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve been there. I always thought this loss of sense of self was a symptom of my bipolar or depression or ADD but, I read an article today called The Brain in Defense Mode: How Dissociation Helps Us Survive and found out that it is most likely caused by the trauma I’ve been through. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Journal Entry: Feb 23, 2016 (I Got Schooled)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 54 min 2.73 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
Mood: Determined and depressed (such conflicting emotions)

I done got schooled at PT today. First off I shouldn’t be stressing about working my lower abs because you can’t single out your lower abs, it’s one muscle (rectus abdominis). You can’t work part of a muscle. He assured me that the crunches, side crunches and bridges he assigned were enough. I then asked him if the leg workout he gave me (squats with calf raise) was enough because I had been doing a lot more. He said yes and to never do the single leg raise it’s a bad exercise. I told him I would love to work smarter, I don’t want to be working out in ways that aren’t going to help me lose weight. He could see that I was itching to do more so he took me out to the gym.

He taught me 3 different types of workouts that were quick and effective; tabata, 5x5x5, and 50s. Tabata is a simple interval training system. You do 20 seconds of an exercise (today we did squats with calf raise) as hard as you can and then rest for 10 seconds. You repeat that 8 times and then you are done. It works your muscles and raises your heart rate. It’s awesome. 5x5x5 we did with push-ups and it was not easy. You do 5 reps very slowly, 5 very fast, and 5 at your regular pace with no break in between. It was very hard. The last one 50s is also a pretty simple concept. You do 50 reps of an exercise no matter how many sets it takes. So do as many as you can or 15 whichever comes first then repeat until you’ve done 50 reps. I think this would have been harder if I had been using heavier weights but, it was still a good workout. Read more

Journal Entry: Feb 22, 2016 (Purging my Bathroom)

Journal Entry: Feb 22, 2016 (Purging my Bathroom)

Journal Entry: Feb 22, 2016 (Purging my Bathroom)

Weight: 201.2 (that’s 3.7 down from my original weight!)
Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 54 min 2.77 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
Mood: Determined and Exhausted

Well I was worried about nothing. I did lose weight this week. I haven’t lost much overall yet but, slow and steady wins the race and reduces the risk of saggy excess skin. Besides, I didn’t start weighing in until I was well into my journey which was silly of me. I did great at the gym today and then I went insane on the bathroom. It’s the Monday chore on my Clean Routine. First of all, though I own my own home and love it I have far less space than I used to in the bathroom. When we moved in I just shoved all of my toiletries from my apartment into my bathroom closet any which way and every shelf was overflowing. I have lived here since Nov 2014 and I just today fixed this with a big purge.

It killed me to throw away lotions that I know cost me like $6 but, if I never used them, I just wasn’t going to. I also purged all sorts of expired medicine and vitamins. It was just crazy how much junk we had that we never used. I kept thinking, “I forgot about this, now that I know it’s here I’ll use it.” But I was strong and I threw away so much stuff. It feels great to be able to find things in the bathroom closet and medicine cabinets now. After I finished my purge I started cleaning and this is the weird thing about me, I don’t clean often but, when I do I am a maniac. I bust out toothpicks and q-tips to reach the tiniest, most unnoticeable to anyone but me, crevasses filled with gunk. I usually like to use just baking soda and vinegar but, it had been WAY too long since my last bathroom cleaning so I had to use to full powered bleacherriffic stuff and I started getting headaches from the fumes.

In the end the bathroom was spic and span and I felt accomplished…well sort of. I kept thinking how I wasn’t able to reach certain areas of the tub to give them a good scrubbing and how I wish I could’ve gotten the mildew off the shade. Nothing is ever good enough for me. I need to stop being such a perfectionist. I am working on it but, for now I’ll continue to negate my accomplishments with little nit picky comments in my brain. How about you? Am I the only slob who cleans perfectly? I’d love to hear from you if you are like me. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Journal Entry: Feb 21, 2016 (Weigh in Worries)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 52 min 2.64 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Stressed, happy for a bit, exhausted, anxious

I know I said in my recent journal entry, “Screw the Scale” but, I’m stressing tomorrow’s weigh in. I’m just working so hard and doing so many things right it’s just going to discourage me to see another gain tomorrow and I’m especially worried there will be one because it is that time of the month. I know it’s a marathon not a sprint and all and I really do know that it takes time and I just need to keep doing what I’m doing but, I’m just worried about the psychological hit of another week with a gain. I did an extra 15 minutes on the bike today and took a nice walk with my Sister and nephew this afternoon because it was beautiful out and I got ice cream for my whole family but, none for myself. All because of tomorrow’s weigh in. I’m just obsessing. I haven’t skipped any meals or anything dangerous it’s just taken over my mind.

But anywho, that sucks and who knows maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to post a loss. Or maybe I’ll be able to post a gain and not freak out about it. Onto cheerier subjects, today was pretty good other than being exhausted for most of it. I got some good nephew time in. Got to take a nice 20 minute or so walk outside in the fresh air. Got some new workout clothes and cleaning supplies so that I can start cleaning tomorrow. Of course now I’m stressing because I still haven’t finished going through my mail and I haven’t done my taxes…is this cleaning kick just a new project to procrastinate on those other adult matters I need to take care of? Oh and I haven’t done my free writing in days. Have to get back on that, tomorrow. For now I am exhausted and I’m going to get some sleep. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

 

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Journal Entry: Feb 20, 2016 (Clean Routine)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 52 min 2.68 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Frustrated and exhausted but a bit motivated

I went to the gym this morning and found my workout really hard again and this time it was arms and abs. Maybe it wasn’t the yoga that caused my struggle with my strength training Friday, maybe it’s just the beginning of my cycle sucking away all of my energy. While on the treadmill, I started talking to a gym buddy about diet. He said, “You’re doing great here but, diet is like 80% of it. You should talk to the nutrition guy here, he changed my life.” I told him that I know and I’m working on the diet but, not wholeheartedly yet. I’ve cut liquid calories, I am eating 3 mostly healthy meals a day, I avoid junk food almost entirely but, I haven’t started really working on my diet yet. It’s hard because I am depressed and so my house is naturally a mess. I know I live with three other people but, I think they get annoyed doing stuff when I don’t so they just kind of gave up on cleaning too.

I decided today on that treadmill that if I’m going to start eating right I need to get my kitchen in order and keep it that way. You can’t cook food if your pans and dishes are always dirty so I decided I was going to come up with a plan for keeping the house clean. Rules for everyone in the house to follow regarding picking up after themselves to ensure the kitchen doesn’t become a backlog of dishes that should have been put in the dishwasher. I wrote up a neat little list of things that need to be done by all of us in the morning, throughout the day and before bed. It is going to be hard to stick to at first I fear but if we all stay on each other I think we can do it. Then once the kitchen is consistently clean I can start cooking for myself rather than eating frozen food all the time.

I discussed it with the family they were mostly on board. We’ll see how it goes. Do you have trouble keeping your house clean when depressed? Do you find family members are helpful or get annoyed by doing all the work and just give up? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 19, 2016 (New Medicine)

Journal Entry: Feb 19, 2016 (New Medicine)

Journal Entry: Feb 19, 2016 (New Medicine)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 50 min 2.6 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Tired and blah

Today I had to get to the gym early because I had a 9:30am appointment with my psychiatrist. It was legs and abs day and the workout was really hard. I think it was due to the yoga class I did the night before, either way I did almost everything I normally do strength training and just walked a little more slowly on the treadmill. I’m going for longer times not speed (I’m reminding myself here). My appointment went pretty much as expected. I told her the Latuda even with the increased dose was not helping and that I’d like to give Lamictal a shot because it has helped in the past. She prescribed it and off I went. I felt really good about this decision. I remember Lamictal being very good for me, in fact I was doing so well on it I stopped taking it in a stupid moment where I thought “I’m fixed!” I know now I’ll never be fixed so I don’t think that is a concern anymore.

I went to the store because we were running low on certain things like toothpaste and lotion. It’s funny how much you go through when you use it everyday. A tube of toothpaste used to last me forever. I then picked up my prescriptions. I was exhausted so I took a nap. I think I was exhausted because I just started my cycle but, who knows it could be depression. That’s the thing about having so many disorders and being a woman. It’s hard to suss out what’s causing what symptom. I was excited about tonight though because I was going to hang out with my nephews and then watch Scandal with my Sister when they went to bed. I had bought my nephew a Star Wars T-shirt and my Sister said, “I’m going to wash it first because I always do.” and he turned to me and said, “You bought me a dirty shirt?” He’s not even three yet. He’s so funny.

I was having a great time but, getting exhausted. I had to leave before my nephew even went to bed. I didn’t even get to see the little one because he was as tired as I was and slept the whole time I was there. I fell asleep by 7:30pm. I was so tired. I’m still tired. I need to wake up. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

Journal Entry: Feb 18, 2016 (PMDDuh!)

Journal Entry: Feb 18, 2016 (PMDDuh!)

Journal Entry: Feb 18, 2016 (PMDDuh!)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 50 min 2.69 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes (but, not immediately)
Mood: Blah and then content and focused

So I got up whenever today because my daughter didn’t have school again. I got to the gym and the maintenance guy who I say hi to every morning walked up to me, looked at me and then his watch and asked, “What’d you sleep in today?” I felt pretty good about that. I’m a regular at the gym. Take that scale! I worked extra hard today because of my poor eating yesterday. I usually do 10 minutes on the bike as a warm up I did 15 minutes at a faster pace this morning. I usually do 3 sets of my strength training exercises, today I did 4 sets. I did my 50 minutes on the treadmill a bit faster than usual too.

I got home from the gym and ate my healthy breakfast halfheartedly. Still feeling awful blah. I decided to start catching up on overdue blog posts. I wrote to my therapist, who I had to cancel on this week, about my depression and how bad it has been this last week. I just didn’t really want to do anything and then it hit me after I started spotting. I have PMDD! That is what this past week has been. It’s always the week before my period. I just completely forgot about it. Remember how when I remembered last month that I have PMDD I said I started tracking stuff…well I said that in a sort of I totally intend to sort of way. I never did and it bit me right in the ass this week. As soon as I realized it I took the extra Paxil my psychiatrist prescribed for this very reason and things started getting better either due to the Paxil or due to PMDD wearing off because my period was beginning either/or the blah cloud has lifted.

Tonight I took a hot yoga class called Reiki Yoga (again trying to undo the crazy eating I did yesterday). I didn’t know what I expected from it but, I love reiki and yoga so I thought it would probably be pretty good. It was a lot more yoga than reiki which is fine, I guess I was just expecting more reiki. Not sure how you’d implement that to a full class but, still. All that was reiki about it was the instructor describing the chakras and asking us to visualize them at the beginning and end of class. She also said that she was a practitioner and would be sending positive energy through the whole class. Basically it was a hot yoga class and it was hard for me. I did all of the moves but, a couple that she repeated multiple times I sat out the last go or two.

Do any of you suffer from a condition like PMDD or SAD or another occasional illness? Do you ever forget about it like I did and just think your depression is worsening? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

 

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Journal Entry: Feb 17, 2016 (Regretful Indulgences)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 48 min 2.45 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Content for a bit then Blah

Well I got to the gym at my normalish time today 5:30am. I usually get up at 5am, take my meds, brush my teeth, get dressed for the gym and go right away so that I can get home by 7:20am or so to take my daughter to school but, her college has had a major power outage and her classes have been cancelled nearly all week so I’ve been letting myself sleep in a bit on the days where she doesn’t have school. I think my acquaintances at the gym might be thinking I’m slacking or I’ve fallen off the wagon but, oh no not at all I just don’t have anything to do after so I can wake up whenever but, not today, today I had Comcast coming, finally, to fix my internet/cable/phone. So I woke up early so I could gym/breakfast/shower before the tech arrived.

He arrived right on time and told me there was nothing he could do, the problem was at the pole. He said a bucket truck would be coming by to fix it within 24-48 hours. He was great so I wasn’t mad at him but, I was mad. I was just aggravated. I’d had no internet since Monday morning it was starting to drive me nuts. Today I decided to watch some DVDs. I watched Step Brothers a highly underrated Will Ferrell film that I love and Die Hard with a Vengeance (which is almost as good as the original). Then I noticed that our modem was lighting up and asked my son to check outside for a bucket truck, sure enough one was out there and we had internet back, hallelujah! I was thinking of all the blogging I had to catch up on but, I was just too depressed to do it.

I don’t know what was wrong with me today but, I ate like a pig. I dunno if I was eating my feelings or what. Maybe I was still bothered by my .7 lb gain on Monday. I ate a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner but, I ate in between and after. I had a hot chocolate with Bailey’s and marshmallows and whipped cream, I had well more than 1 serving of Thin Mints ice cream and even after I ate a healthyish dinner I added on an order of garlic bread with cheese that could have fed 3 or 4. I don’t know what came over me. Maybe it was because I was still depressed even if I was awake. I’m not sure what caused me to eat like that. You’d think after gaining weight (yes I know it was less than a lb but, it was still a gain) I would be less likely to eat like that. Unless it was me bucking against the pressure I’m putting on myself to lose a little every single week. That damn perfectionism again. It’s always sabotaging me. Well I mean I’m always self-sabotaging because of it. Whatever the case may be I will hopefully not do that again, at least not too often, I can’t say I’ll never pig out again, sometimes it’s good to let go a little but, let’s try to keep it to a minimum while also trying to lose weight, huh?

Do you suffer from perfectionism? Does it cause you a lot of trouble? Have you ever binged while trying to lose weight? I’d love to hear from you. I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.

 

Journal Entry: Feb 16, 2016 (Missed Appointments)

Journal Entry: Feb 16, 2016 (Missed Appointments)

Journal Entry: Feb 16, 2016 (Missed Appointments)

Brushed Teeth: Yes
Walked: Yes, 48 min 2.44 miles
Healthy Breakfast: Yes
Shower: Yes
No Dunks or Starbucks: Yes
Mood: Blah – dread and angry

I was so blah/dread-filled today I just wanted to sleep all day. I did manage to get my morning habits in, though it was hard to go to the gym. I honestly slept most of the day. We still have no internet, cable, or landline. I felt so blah that I didn’t want to go to therapy or to get my blood drawn for my INR check but I planned to do it anyway. I waited in bed for Comcast to arrive telling my son to please wake me when they show up. They were supposed to be there between 2-4pm. I called Comcast at 5pm because no one had arrived and found out that the person I was chatting to Monday never finished scheduling my appointment so I had no appointment. I was enraged. I mean I don’t get angry all that often but, I hate Comcast already because they charge so darn much.

So they told me they could get somebody out on Thursday and I told them that was unacceptable. I wanted someone tonight. They couldn’t do that but, they did get me a 9-10am appt on Wednesday the 17th after swearing they only had appointments on the 18th. It was an hour and a half long bitch fest full of hold music and being bounced around. It was utterly annoying and caused me to miss my therapy appointment. I was a little relieved because I hadn’t wanted to leave the house at all. I’m not agoraphobic or anything I just don’t want to leave my bed if I can help it. When I told my Sister earlier in the day I felt too depressed to go to therapy she smartly responded then it is probably the best time to go but, the Comcast debacle just took too long.

I ended up frustrated and angry and then just blah again. I went back to bed still fuming about Comcast. I was considering blogging from my phone or using my phone as a hot spot for my laptop but, I just snuggled under the blankets instead. It was almost like I could hear that song which is used as a comedy device on Arrested Development, “Hello darkness my old friend…” I just have felt lost and weak and passionless. I mean I’m still doing my morning routine but, it is getting harder to do and I’m just a lump on a log nearly all the rest of the day. I hope this improves soon and I hope this post finds you well or on your way to wellness.